Letters I'll Never Send

Kichen Counter (PART 2, strong language)

Fuck everything I said.

You are a huge douchebag.

Let's start with this: you told me you loved me. I told you I loved you. We flirted for a long time and you actually made me feel happy. You made me feel a whole lot better about who I am and the things I've done. This whole time I thought you liked me. I thought maybe we could be something some day.

Then I see you are dating Lynn's sister. Ha. What's funny is, I was actually thinking about that yesterday. When you didn't reply to me or talk to me this week, I thought "maybe he's avoiding me because he got back with Alli." Guess what? I was right.

100% correct.

I'm not even mad about that. I'm mad that you made me fall in deep like with you. I'm mad that you made me feel like I was special. I'm mad that I counted on you to fill me with joy. I'm mad that I told you everything and you left me looking like an idiot.

Like an attached girl. You made me look like I was obsessed with you. You made me feel stupid and worthless.

This whole time I'm thinking "well I must be special. I must be doing something right because apparently he loves me." Ha. HAHAHAHA.

You were doing the exact same thing to her.

I called you. You told me that you actually did (key word: DID) love me. Bull. Fucking. Shit. And you said that you thought I didn't feel it back so you moved on.

What the literal hell? I told you THREE FLIPPING TIMES how I felt about you!

You dick.

Maybe I'm over reacting, but this whole thing is similar to Tyler. It's too much like Tyler.

I wouldn't be as mad if you would have just TOLD ME tht you were dating Alli again. But you didn't.

And you left me looking and feeling stupid.

"I'm not special," I told you.

"That's bullshit you are special don't even say that," you replied. No KC, THATS bullshit. If I was special, you wouldn't have treated me like this.

I just.. I feel unimportant now. You said I gave you a reason to live.

I bet you were lying. I KNOW you were lying. If I was that important, you wouldn't have done this.

You even said "I knew you'd find out over Facebook" because I saw that you were in a relationship with her FOR THE PAST MONTH. FOR THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE 'TALKING'!!!

I feel like I've been cheated on. Which is weird, because we weren't even dating.

"Did you actually think we were going somewhere?" You said to me.

Uh, ya. When you said the things you did, I actually thought we were.

Then you said "I hope we can still me friends because you are a good friend."

Wow. Way to break up with me even though we weren't dating (which you made a point to point out)

"I can't. I just can't be your friend," I told you.

"Oh I get it. You want to be more than friends," you replied.

Uh, cocky much? No. Not after I've seen what you do while in relationships.

"No. I just can't."

"Okay." You didn't even care. If you loved me so much, why didn't you care that I just walked out your life forever?

And

You not only disrespected me, but you disrespected Alli. You were verbally cheating with me. She's a nice girl and you were basically cheating.

And now I feel like crap because I let you. It's not my fault though, I didn't know y'all were dating!

And to make things worse, you even said you were completely shitfaced whenever you talked to me. Everything you said was the whiskey talking.

So here I am, walking around church, angry as fuck, and trying not cry while on the phone with you.

Why are you so childish? God. I don't even...

Then, because you think I was soooo invested in you, you said "don't go hurting yourself or doing anything stupid"

You thought I would cut or kill myself over you.

Over a boy? No. I'm EMILY CHILDERS. I don't need a boy to control me and my actions. That's not who I am.

I would do something stupid because you opened my eyes to the fact that I'm just like everyone else. I'm stupid and ugly and fat and idiotic and...

And sitting here with toilet paper taped over a cut on my leg BECAUSE IT WOULDNT STOP BLEEDING.

Not because of you, but because of the feelings you brought.

The most emotion I've felt in weeks... and it's complete and udder worthlessness.

I can't believe I went back to you. I can't believe I counted on you to help me feel better about Tyler.

I guess I'm not as independent as I thought.

Ha.

Right now, I wish you'd never passed me that note back in 7th grade. You know, I almost crumpled it up and ignored you. But I didn't because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I wish I did. Then maybe (and this may seem a little insensitive) I wouldn't have 'given you a reason to live.'

You are a stupid, alcoholic tool. And I swear if you ever try to talk to me, I will stab you in the fucking chest.

Leave me the fuck alone.

-Emily