Letters I'll Never Send

Edward, Again

wow I haven't updated in awhile. Sorry guys. I guess I just haven't had the motivation to come and write about people I know. But let's get started!

Edward,

Yes, I realize this is like the fourth letter I have written you. No, I am not sorry. You deserve each and every letter.

So, I guess you're back in my life. It's pretty weird. I can't get rid of you. Every time I kick you out, you somehow weasel your way back in. I don't know how you do it, but I'm not going to protest. The truth is, I love that you want me. I'm obsessed with the fact that you're obsessed with me. I mean yeah, you're cute and you have the softest lips I've ever tasted (and I've tasted a lot), but idk I'm not sure I can see us in a relationship?

Sometimes I can. Sometimes I just sit there and think about how how much I would love to go on dates with you and fight like a couple does and introduce you as my boyfriend. But then I think about how weird it would be and how I want to hide you from my family.

And if you have to hide someone from your family, you shouldn't even be dating them in the first place.

I know I know, I shouldn't care what people think. It's just,I do. I care so much and I don't know why and I don't know how to stop.

And the whole secrecy of you and me...it's kinda hot. We can't tell my family, and we can't tell DEFINITELY cannot tell Savvy. Jackson must never know how I feel about you because it would crush is adorable little heart...

Oh crap.

Jackson.

The only time I'm gonna be able to see you is in the mornings before school. And Jackson moved back and has resumed going to our school... He's going to find out. And he's going to know that I was lying when I told him I wasn't into you. God, I'm such a horrible person, aren't I? 

But your lips-they are so worth it. For now, at least. 

At my party, when you were leaving, I walked you and your sister out to the car. She ran ahead to stuff the wet towels into the back and you and I lagged behind the corner of the building. We waited for the motion light to go out and then we kissed. It felt good. The last time I kissed you was the time I felt like you were lip-raping me. But that part of you was gone now and it was currently the sweet, quick, romantic kissing that I love. 

But I know that soon it's going to go back to you thinking we can do more than we are and me not being attracted to you anymore. We are going to go a few weeks of pretending the other doesn't exist and that "we" were never a "thing." Then one of us will cave and we will fall right back into the trap of Edward and Emily. 

It's the circle of love and we are doomed to spend eternity in it. 

I don't know how to break the cycle. You don't know how to break the cycle. And I think that in a part of both us, we don't WANT to break the cycle. Because I enjoy your company and you enjoy mine.

Also, you're so freaking hot when you're angry that I just can't think straight. But you actually aren't all that cute in real life. I mean, you've got the abs and muscle that every girl desperately wants in a guy. But your face? Wellllll.... facial hair just isn't your thing. Your nose is very big. And your cheekbones just don't fit with the way you look. God, I'm such an awful human being for saying that.

Anyways, my point here is that I'm trapped in the circle. And I'm not even sure if I want to be.

-Emily