Beautiful Angel [Juuzou/Rei Suzuya]

~Chapter 19~

It's been three months since I joined the CCG office, things were going too slow and busy. It's getting kinda hard to work for hours on paper work without taking breaks. I was getting board with this job, neither I got time to sketch nor I got time to spend on myself. Previously, when I was in the academy I used to get a lot of personal time and got a friends who always use to chat with me, annoy me, share foods with me and we used to do so many things together but nowadays even he avoids me; I won't say that this was his fault, it was clearly my fault because I was the one who pushed him away and my idiot self didn't even apologized to him.

I don't know what has gotten into me recently but my past self was better than my present self. She was a energetic student, she used to do her works enthusiastically, she had many friends most importantly she was lively. Now look at me, it feels like this job is eating me day by day, Kyoko is now dull, unfriendly, hates people, pushes away people and most importantly she is now depressed.

Bad habits didn't took much time to enter into me. Now I drink and smoke, talk rudely to people, now I even go home late, taking care of myself feels like a joke and the most sadistic thing that has gotten into me was I was self-harming. I was even bad at my job, I refused to go to missions so I was burdened with the paper work. Seems like this job isn't suitable for me.

Suicidal thoughts used to come in my mind more often. I used small work stationeries to hurt my skin and it felt good while hurting my own-self and the best thing was that people didn't came to know that I was suicidal, therefore, no one was there to stop me either. I started wearing clothes that used to cover my whole body, so that no one could see my scars.

Nowadays I even stopped going home with Seidou, giving him excuses that I have work. But the only work I did over there was going on the top of the building and smoke cigarettes. Sometimes I even wanted to jump off the building but something was holding me back, I don't know what that was. But was my mind stopping the suicidal thoughts? No.

I remember the first time I gave myself I scar, it was paining like hell and now I feels beautiful. Sometimes I used to sit on the top of the building and my eyes used to cry, I felt weak, I felt like dying. While going home I wanted someone to kill me. I used to ask myself that which one is worse? Living or dying first.

I desperately wanted to quit this job but for that I have to give them a good reason, which I couldn't give. I mean what excuse am I supposed to give? I was depressed or I don't like my job! I was losing myself piece by piece and I was dying from inside.

Another night, and again I'm here, on the top of building, smoking and talking with myself.

"Look at me my beloved parents what have you done to Kyoko~..... Feels good right? To see your daughter suffering for a job she never wanted! I am sure you guys will feel proud to see Kyoko like this, after all that's what you wanted, isn't it?" I started chuckle, "Kyoko can you see the scars you have given yourself? Don't they look beautiful~ they definitely does!", I gave myself another scar, blood was dripping from my fingers, "Ahh look at this scar Kyoko! It-it looks beautiful doesn't it!!! I want you to die soon Kyoko, is that too much to ask for? You are dead inside anyways~ let your body die too. Believe me the world would be happy without you~~.", then I looked at my watch, "Oh sweetheart! It's already 12 o' clock, pretty late huh? I wonder if you will reach home today alive~ ha ha ha seems like today is your last day, isn't it?", while looking at the moon I requested myself, "Please die today, Kyoko! Stop holding yourself back, you don't deserve to live, do you? NO right!"

After talking with myself for more than an hour, I decided to leave the building.

I was walking sluggishly, hoping to die soon. I started singing on my own, enough loud to heard by people around me. Ironically, there was no one to hear me sing.

Thought I found a way

Thought I found a way, out

But you never go away

So I guess I gotta stay now

Oh, I hope someday I'll make it out of here

Even if it takes all night or a hundred years

Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near

Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear.

Isn't it lovely, all alone?

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone

Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

Hello, welcome home.

When suddenly a voice interrupted me, "Oh how lovely! Look what we have got here~".

Then another voice spoke out, "hmm....smells like a tasty dish"

"Bingo~", someone came out from the dark and was hardly a few feet away from me.

Well well well three of them, seems like it's really my last day.

I was standing there with no expression on my face. All of them where wearing different masks. "So, are you not gonna move or maybe show some fear?".

"Ugh talking with her is so boring, let's eat her already~"

"Allons-y!"

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{A/N : In case anyone doesn't know what's 'Allons-y', it simply means Let's go in French.}