Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

The Hole

Tay:

Australia was beautiful. It was no wonder that such a gorgeous woman could have come from here. Everyone was extremely nice too.

The day after I arrived I got to meet Jenna's parents. They had much thicker accents than Jenna who had been "americanized". Jenna's mom was tall (of course almost everyone seemed tall to me since I was so short), brunette and had blue eyes just like Jenna's. Her dad was even taller and I had to tilt my head back to look him in the face. I was surprised Jenna wasn't taller than she was. He had black hair and a scruffy semi-beard. They both seemed very humble and kind.

Jenna made sure to show me everything she could think of and the busy days really helped keep my mind off of what was going on inside my mind, but at night I was always once again reunited with myself. I never fell asleep before 1 AM and that was on a good night, most nights I was up until 3. Some nights I lay in bed with the most amazing thoughts in my head, I felt great and everything seemed perfect maybe even out of this world. Others I got up and rocked myself beside the bed so I wouldn't wake up Jenna. I had to calm myself and stop my racing thoughts. I wanted to move around and do so many things, but there was too much and all I could do was sit down hold my knees to my chest and rock. If I had, had something to cut with I probably would have, it brought me back to the moment and seemed to slow everything down, but luckily I had nothing.

I would never tell Jenna about any of this and some how I managed to never be too tired in the morning when I woke up. I don't know why I was scared of her finding out about the sleepless nights, maybe I thought she would eventually feel like I was too much trouble. The thought of losing her was one of my greatest fears at the moment, it seemed worse than death. I wasn't very scared of death any way, I felt quite the opposite sometimes. The thought was inviting it seemed like the perfect solution, the perfect escape from me. I was my worst enemy. I was the biggest danger to myself. I was the only person in control of myself, but I had no control at all. That was the scariest part.

The time in Australia flew by and soon we were back in New York. I was back in the familiar rut I was stuck in before and the great feeling that grew to be too much and made my head spin disappeared and turned back into despair. I went back to not getting out of bed at least once a week. I had trouble eating, I was never hungry. Everything seemed wrong and seeing the pity in Jenna's eyes as she tried to help me through it every day made it worse.

Unfortunately the worst days were the ones when I couldn't control my anger and I would snap. I yelled at Jenna for no reason. I even yelled at her for taking care of me because I was angry at myself for being so helpless. The hurt in her eyes those days tore my insides apart, but I still couldn't control it.

Once weeks turned to months Jenna started getting tired of my behaviour I could tell because she didn't sleep as close to me. She didn't try and comfort me every time I cried, but I could still see the worry in her eyes. It wasn't that she didn't care for me anymore, I was emotionally and physically exhausting her. She wanted to continue helping me, but I had worn her out. She never said anything about it and every word that came out of her mouth was nothing but positivity.

She eventually started asking if she could go out. I always let her and told her she didn't need to ask. I knew she wasn't really asking my permission, she was, instead, asking if I would still be there when she got back or if I would do something stupid. She just didn't want me to think that she knew how bad I was doing. I think she had read my diary and seen what I was thinking and knew what could happen at any minute. Her biggest fear was her being away from me and me trying to kill myself.

The more days that passed the closer that fear of hers seemed like it would become reality. I started thinking over how I would do it. What I'd do before. When I'd do it. Who it'd affect. I was ashamed of the thoughts, but it seemed I had no other choice. I was trapped in a hole, it was dark and I couldn't find my way out. I finally answered all the questions and my mind was made up. I was going to do it. I just needed the opportunity.

A.N. If you ever feel suicidal please talk to some one. It is a serious problem and you will never be alone. If you don't know of anyone to talk to you can even message me on here. I've been in that dark place and there is hope.