Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

I Can't Do It Anymore

Tay:

Jenna had finally left me alone once again. It had been 3 weeks since she caught me trying to off myself...twice. I had convinced her everything was fine and she shouldn't worry about me tonight. She seemed to be pretty tired of being trapped with me and I wanted some privacy. I needed to really prepare. I wasn't going to be so sloppy this time.

I don't know how I had managed to stay calm long enough to get Jenna out of the house. I felt like some one had started burying me in the hole. I was suffocating and completely blinded by my sorrow. It was time to try and end it again. I let an hour pass before I set my plan into action.

Tears running down my cheeks, my heart choking me as it beat heavily in my chest and my stomach ripping my insides apart, I sat at my desk pen in hand, writing what would probably be the last thing I would ever write or at least that's what I was planning on. It was so hard to write with my thoughts so unclear, everything racing through my mind. It was happening again, but this time my thoughts were horrible and cruel. Was I really going to do this? Would I succeed this time? My hand cramped up as I rapidly wrote the letter.

When I finished I sent a text to Jenna that read: I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. Don't be angry. Don't hate me for this. You know what I've been going through. It isn't your fault. I love you. You are the love of my life. Goodbye.

With a bottle of pills in my hand I kept going with my irreversible decision. Three at a time I swallowed them, then all I could do was wait. 5 minutes crept by, then 10, 15, 20. I started to feel tired, the good drugged tired. It was relaxing, things didn't seem so bad, until my body decided to sabotage my plans.

It didn't take too long for my body to react to the toxins and I found myself rushing to the bathroom. It felt like my insides were going to come out. This wasn't supposed to happen, if I threw it all up it wouldn't work. I wanted to peacefully drift off. I panicked as I saw myself failing once again at something so easy...dying.

Just then I heard a key in my front door and heavy quick footsteps. They rushed around the apartment. It must be Jenna. She threw her keys down on the kitchen counter.

"Tay. Tay, where the fuck are you? Tay what's going on? Please answer me!" I heard her call, alarm in her voice.

It wasn't hard for her to find me in my small living quarters, soon she was by my side. She didn't say anything at first, though I couldn't see her face, as I was leaned over the toilet vomiting, I knew what it looked like: horror, worry, sadness, fear, disappointment, distress, anger.

"What's going on? Did you get drunk?" she said barely keeping her composure and obviously not believing that I was just overly drunk, but she probably thought that, that could have played a role here. I'm sure all her emotion was building up under her skin waiting until it had the force to come out in a huge tsunami towards me. She tried her best to hide it, but I could tell she was holding it back by the white knuckled clenched fists I saw out of the corner of my eyes on her knees.

When I had a long enough break between vomits I looked over at her. Her face was red, even her eyes, not from anger, but from the tears and the repressed emotion. Knowing she had to see me like this made me feel sicker and I was forced to lean back over the toilet.

While I was still leaned over, looking away, I pointed to the desk where my note and the empty bottle of pills lay. She went over and I heard her gasp, curse and start crying even if she was trying to do so quietly. She ran out of the room, sobbing unable to hold it back any longer. A minute later I heard her on the phone, she had called 911. After she hung up she came back into the bathroom with me.

"Why? I knew you were having another episode earlier this week, but why didn't you get me to stay here with you? How can I trust you when you're alone? How could you tell me you had everything under control? Why did I believe you?" she slouched down beside me her back against the cabinet. She buried her face in her palms and continued crying.

I wished I could answer her, but I didn't have the strength, I was feeling weaker and weaker; my eyes started to close. Jenna immediately grabbed me and started shaking me trying to keep me awake. "Tay you need to stay awake. Please stay with me. I'm here with you. Can you hear me?" It was no use I lost consciousness.