Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

Now You Know

Jenna:

My eyes filled with tears as I waved goodbye to Tay. She had been crying ever since we had our final kiss for the next month and a half. She was holding it back now forcing a final smile, but the signs of her crying were still there, her nose and cheeks were red and when the light hit right you could see the extra shiny tear filled eyes.

I was now walking through the security check line in the airport. I had a long trip ahead of me. I had 4 stops before I would finally arrive in Australia. It would take almost 48 hours to get there. I dragged my feet as the line slowly crept closer to the metal detectors and x-rays for the bags. I lost sight of Tay and all I could do was repeat to myself that everything was going to be alright.

It was hard for me to keep calm. Tears were constantly welling up in my eyes, but I pushed them back. I was incredibly worried about Tay, something was obviously wrong. She was going through a difficult time and I wouldn't be there for her. I wouldn't see her for over a month, I wouldn't know if she was truly okay or just lying to the camera (she had promised she would skype with me), I wouldn't be able to hold her and feel that she was still there alive, with me.

Lately there had seemed to be a distance between us. Every time I tried to hold her and comfort her she would either lay there passively, lifelessly, coldly or she would snap at me for touching her. It hurt me deeply that I couldn't help her. I didn't know what I could do. Should I let her be? Should I tell her she needs help? Should I get out of this mess before something goes terribly wrong?

Not only did she cringe at my touch, but I caught her crying at night, curled up in a ball and a foot of space between us in bed. I never said anything. I just pretended I was asleep until I finally did fall back asleep.

Two stops into the trip I had a pretty long layover and I decided to find the free wi-fi spot in the airport and try to call Tay. It took a couple of tries, but she eventually answered.

"Hello?" her voice was hoarse.

"Hey, babe. It's Jenna. How are you? Were you asleep?"

"No, I was just hanging out around the apartment. Where are you right now?" she must have taken the phone away from her face for a second, I heard a far off sniffle. I felt my heart breaking at the thought of her being there by herself crying until she was hoarse.

"I'm in Singapore, or at least the airport. I have a 3 hour layover so I'm going to be pretty bored for a while." I started sobbing.

"What's wrong Jenna?"

"Sorry. I just miss you so much already. I'm going to try and call you everyday okay?"

"Please do. I'll be missing you just as much as you miss me." she choked up with tears, I could hear it in her voice even if I couldn't see her. "You not mad at me are you?"

"What? Why should I be mad at you? You should be mad at me."

"There's nothing I should be mad about. I just... you know... lately I haven't been very affectionate and I've gotten mad at you for no reason. It isn't fair to you. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay Tay. You haven't been yourself. All I care about is that you stay safe and keep yourself calm. I love you Tay."

"I love you too" there was warmth in her voice, probably from reassurance, but it quickly turned cold and shaky again "but this is me Jenna. It's been happening for years. It's horrible because I push everyone I care about away."

"Have you ever talked to anyone about it?"

"No. I don't want anyone thinking I'm crazy."

"You should talk to a professional. They won't think you're crazy. I heard a song on Warped, I think it was by Icon For Hire, that said "Crazy is, I believe, the medical term, when we wanna recover, but we don't wanna learn"." I sung quietly into the phone. "If you let yourself believe that you are better off suffering with whatever is going on, than seeking help maybe you are crazy. Is there anything else that you feel like this?"

"Well sometimes everything seems to be flying around in my head and I can't catch up with my self. That's when I use to hurt myself, it made things calm down momentarily."

"Anything else?"

"Umm.. promise you won't be mad?"

My eyes bulged out of my head as I imagined what she could be about to say I sleep with other people, I stalk people from the mall, I kill people, I want to kill myself. The last thought came into my mind just as the the words came out of her mouth.

"I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts. I even attempted once when I was younger." her voice dropped with every word she spoke, she was clearly ashamed of it.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks, but I wouldn't let her hear it in my voice; I pulled the phone away from my face, took a deep breath and then let the words flow "I appreciate your honesty. I hope you know I am here for you. I wish the timing hadn't been so bad. I wish you would go see someone so I knew there was someone to take care of you while I'm gone."

"You don't have to take care of me. It's my battle to fight." she snapped before quickly apologizing.

I debated whether I should keep her on the phone or let her have some time to think things over. My stomach was tied in knots of worry, but there really was nothing I could do. If we stayed on the phone she could snap again and make herself feel even worse. I reluctantly told her I needed to go eat, a huge lie since my stomach probably wouldn't accept food for another day or two.

Once I was of the phone I found the nearest bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I cried silently while I waited for my next flight.