Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

Things You'll Never Know

Tay:

I was trapped in the house. Any time I tried to step foot outside my heart would start racing, my breaths were short and my mind shut down. I was scared of someone thinking I was crazy. I didn't want to be out when I had another episode. I didn't let anyone visit me for the same reason. I'm sure everyone was pretty pissed at me. I probably didn't have any friends anymore, maybe they'd kicked me out of the band and found a new singer. This was worse than my last year of high school.

In high school I had panic attacks almost every day. It got so bad that I couldn't go to school for 2 weeks. My parents took me to a psychiatrist and I'm sure if I had told the whole truth I would be feeling better right now, but I lied and just told him about the panic attacks and he prescribed me something to help only with anxiety. I didn't even take the medication or go back to see him. I've never been very good at following doctors orders.

My emotions right now were uncontrollable. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs most of the time. I also wanted to cry, hit something and, worst of all, hurt myself. Jenna had managed to help me not do too much damage to myself for the past couple of years, but she wasn't here right now and she wouldn't know about it for a while or maybe at all if I hid it well.

I started taking razors apart at night and throwing the blades away in the morning, not doing anything to myself. I just felt comfort in the thought that I could do it quickly if the urge became too strong. The feeling was evil, always lurking in the back of my mind, whispering into my ear at night with it's tempting tongue. It became like a friend to me. I knew I'd have company right before bed.

Although every day seemed like a struggle some days were worse than others. Sometimes I had control of my actions and I was able to have a pretty normal day stuck in the house. Others I couldn't even get myself out of bed for any other reason than having to go to the bathroom, I wasn't hungry, I couldn't sleep, I became dehydrated from crying too much and not drinking enough. There were also days when I couldn't control my actions and "accidents" happened, most of the nights after these kinds of days I wouldn't fall asleep until 3 or 4 and I would wake up at 6. Despite my struggles I managed to stay out of the hospital.

Jenna called on Skype everyday at about 8 in the morning and I learned to expect it. I would make sure I had a smile ready for her and I would lie through my teeth about how I was. She seemed to believe me. I guess she had no other choice, she couldn't do anything if I wasn't doing well. It did make me feel a little better to see her. She even made me laugh sometimes. I missed her so much. Every minute I spent talking to her I couldn't help but beg time to please speed up. It never did. but eventually the day arrived when I had to start packing, I was going to be with her soon. I'd have to pack a lot of long sleeve shirts and bracelets.