Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

Close Your Eyes and Open Your Heart

Tay:

I stared in shock, disbelief, unease and fear at the two people standing outside my door. I had come to accept that I was good as dead to them, yet there they stood. They had come to find me. I hoped they weren't here to insult me or try to find me "help" or to hurt me in any other way. They had to feel a little love for me still, right? They didn't look very happy, in fact they looked extremely uncomfortable, but at the same time there was a small sign of relief.

Jenna was behind me standing tall and protective over me. I felt better with her there to support me. She was bigger than both of my parents (that's how I ended up short) and I doubted her bark was worse than her bite. I reached back, grabbed her hand and squeezed it as I prepared myself for whatever was coming next.

1,2,3,4,5...1,2,3,4,5 I counted in my head as I tried to relax. We would get nowhere if I didn't talk. 1,2,3,4,5 one last breath.

"Mom, Dad what are you doing here?" I tried to sound a little happy, I didn't want them to think I was imagining them being there for the worst possible reasons.

There was silence. They looked at each other. They were arguing with their stares about who would do the talking.

I interjected their silent brawl. "Dad you're usually the more reasonable one, why don't you start and mom can add the details you missed."

He looked at me pleading for me to take it back, I didn't. I knew what I said was true. He was good at summing things up and saying it without getting too caught up in emotions. Mom on the other hand remembered all the specifics, but she let her feelings lead her words, making the conversation go in a completely different direction and not even getting her point across.

"Um..well..we...um" he sputtered.

"Oh, come on honey. Spit it out." my mom scorned.

"We heard about the crash, we wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine. Jenna takes good care of me." I looked back at my girlfriend. She gave me an encouraging smile, that sent a wave of joyous warmth through me.

"That's good. She is a really good friend to help you." I wasn't sure if he really thought she was just a friend or if he wasn't going to willingly say I had a girlfriend. Was his head able to wrap around that concept yet? Or did he think she was just some girl I was hooking up with, that would be what they would have thought last time I talked to them.

I debated whether or not to tell them. I turned back towards Jenna again, she shrugged and shook her head to tell me it wasn't her decision to make. I figured I would regret hiding it from them. I would be keeping another secret and it would torture me. "She's not just my friend, we're dating. She's my girlfriend."

They didn't seem surprised, they had probably already figured it out. There was once again a long awkward pause before my father started talking again. "We realized when we found out that your life was at risk that we really regretted forcing you out of our lives. You are our daughter and it is impossible for us to stop loving you. We apologize for the rude comments we made." he cleared hs throat, took a deep breath before, in a quieter, forced tone, continuing "And we would like to get to know your...erm... girlfriend."

I felt his words crashing into the shield I had built up. They tried to knock down the protection I had created from the day they had told me they didn't want anything to do with me unless I were to change who I was. Knowing that, that was not going to happen because it was who I am and I could never change it, I could only lie about it and cause myself a lot more pain. None of it even cracked. I felt cold towards them.

"I understand you're making an effort, but I'm not sure that's enough. You broke me that day. I had to rebuild myself and I excluded the piece of me that made me care about you." the words seemed cruel, heartless, but true. They had been cold and closed off to me and now it was my turn to return the favor.

"We want to make it up to you. We know that we made a mistake. We were raised in different times. All this is new to us. Give us a chance to warm up to the situation."

I was ready to mercilessly turn them away. I had convinced myself I could live without them, but Jenna pulled me over to our room, politely excusing us.

"If they want to try you should give them a chance." she harshly whispered.

"How do I know they won't make me feel even worse?" I whined.

"How do you know it won't make you feel better. Plus I'll be here for you if they hurt you." she gently said.

"Promise?"

She held both my hands and looked me affectionately in the eyes. "I solemnly swear that I will stand by you if they break you again. I will help you piece yourself back together."

After our conversation I decided to give them a chance, but it would have to be only out in public where they wouln't make a big scene. They accepted the terms and left. It didn't seem like our conversation had made them any more comfortable, it worried me that my sexuality aggravated them so much. I had a bad feeling this wasn't going to go well.

That night I was inspired by the lovely woman that sat beside me in bed reading and today's events still had me a little shaken up so I decided to try getting my writing journal out. After about 10-20 scratched out portions of poems and lyrics I finally wrote something decent:

Close your eyes
And open your heart,
It's all the same when you're in the dark.

No one can see you,
There's no one to judge,
Except yourself and the one you love.

If the lights are off
Are they still the one
Are their words as beautiful as the moon and sun.

It's not that important
If they're gay, straight or bi
As long as they'll love you until the end of time.