Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

The Other Side of Me

Tay:

The cold New York air stung our cheeks as we walked through the park. We had decided to take a stroll in the snow that had fallen in abundance last night. Snow crunched under our rain boots. Our soft gloved hands were entwined and our thick coat padded shoulders pressed together as we walked. We exchanged amorous glances, I was surprised we were able to stay on the paved path, our eyes hardly parted. The day seemed so good, but something just didn't feel right. I felt on edge, my chest was tight, my heart racing, my thoughts unclear.

I was really trying to cherish every moment I had with Jenna, she was going back to Australia in a few days to write some new music with Tonight Alive. She also was going to get to see her family again and she was really looking forward to it. We were going to be apart for 1 1/2 months before I was going to go join her. I was going to stay for a month and then we were coming back to the States, but Jenna was going to L.A. to record their new album so I was going to be away from her another month. At least we still had a tour to finish and that would make us have to be around each other almost continuously for at least 3 weeks.

We stopped when we reached the back corner of the park where there was a picnic table under a canopy of beautiful trees that blossomed with gorgeous pink flowers in the spring. It was our official low-cost dating location. We sat on top of the table back to back and took in a deep breath of the cool fresh air. I tried to take a few more to calm myself. I felt my emotions start to turn bad, but I tried to ignore it. We sat there a few minutes just enjoying nature. It was nice to feel disconnected from the hustle and bustle of civilization even if it was only by a few feet.

I felt around behind me to find Jenna's hands. Once I had them firmly grasped I spun myself around so I was facing her. Her back was towards me, but she turned her head and flashed her brilliant smile. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I didn't know how I could be so lucky. "I love you" I whispered in her ear. I knew it was true, but the words felt insincere in that moment.

Her smile grew bigger. "I love you." she whispered back.

I wanted to say something else, but my head was scattered, my thoughts racing, I couldn't keep up with myself. I tried to smile, but I was forced to pull my hands away from hers. I grabbed either side of my head and rested my elbows on my knees. I closed my eyes. I told myself to relax, but I just got frustrated because I couldn't control it.

"Tay are you okay?" Jenna said. She must have gotten up and walked around in front of me. She rested her hands on my legs.

"Let me be." I snapped. I could feel her hands jerk back away from me and she took in a hurt gasp. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it that way." I quickly apologized.

"What's going on?" she asked worried.

I couldn't talk, my throat had closed up.

"Tay, answer me!" she almost screamed. She started shaking my shoulder lightly, aggravating me even more. "Do we need to take you to the hospital?" I quickly shook my head, that was the last thing I wanted. They'd almost surely think I was crazy. It wasn't the first time this had happened to me, I had had problems like this occasionally from when I was 15. It would go away eventually.

"If you don't say anything I'm calling 911." she was obviously panicking, I didn't blame her, it was probably pretty bad looking when you didn't know what was going on. It was scary for me, it had to be for her too. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I heard Jenna unzip her jacket so she could get to her phone which was in an inner pocket.

I opened my eyes and managed to concentrate long enough to swipe the phone out of her hands. She looked disapprovingly at me and I returned the stare with a pleading, pitiful look. "You can't do this. Somethings wrong, You need to get help." Jenna whined.

The distraction of the phone had had been enough to allow me to not focus on panicking over my uncontrollable emotions. I was feeling better. I could at least breathe easier and didn't feel like I was about to vomit. "I'll be fine, Jenna. It's happened before. It's happened quite a bit before. I survived then, I'll survive now."

She didn't look happy with me, but she didn't argue. We walked back to the apartment in silence. She was finally seeing the real me. The sick me. The one that had scared so many people away before and I'm sure she wouldn't be the exception.

As soon as Jenna was asleep that night I cried myself to sleep.