Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

Chasing My Tail

Hayley:

After Tay was out of the hospital and Jenna no longer needed my support I headed back down to Tennessee, back to my old house. I was glad Jenna hadn't spent too much time there, I could still see it as my house, it wasn't tainted with memories of her.

I didn't hate the memories I had, they just were a bittersweet reminder of what I had lost. I had lost an amazing woman because of stupidity and selfishness, I still hadn't forgiven myself for my foolish behavior and I still hadn't gotten over her. I woke up many nights from dreams of her, usually where she was yelling at me tears streaming down her face. Tears would be running down my cheeks when I woke up.

All my friends were inviting me out trying to help me move on, but it was no use. I didn't feel right. I eventually stopped going out with them. A lot of my days were spent at home alone watching The Walking Dead or Modern Family. Jeremy and Taylor came by every once in a while and I would share the new song lyrics with them, they sometimes would have new riffs or rhythms, but we never got a real song started. The worst habit I had was cyber-stalking her. I checked her social media constantly. I looked at her Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram and Facebook. I also watched all the Tonight Alive videos I could find on YouTube.

My life became a rut I was voluntarily stuck in. It took me a few weeks to realize it and it took a few more to convince myself to get out of it. Wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing and denial wasn't going to fix anything. It actually was probably quite unhealthy. I decided the first step would be to try taking better care of myself, I had let my hair fade to an awful burnt brown, not to mention the roots that had grown in. It was the first time in years that you could actually tell what my natural hair color was. I also needed to get a better closet, I had been wearing baggy t-shirts and sweatpants 24/7. Finally I needed to remember how to put makeup on.

In my moment of enlightenment I got up and got to work. I called the hair salon and made an appointment. Then I went into the bathroom and bleached my hair so it would, at least, all be the same color. Lastly I took all my lazy clothes and put them on the top shelf which I could only reach if I was on a step ladder. I now knew I would at least look put together. Now I just needed to get my social life in order.

I called some of my friends and told them I was ready to get out of the house. Most of them laughed, but they all made plans to take me out somewhere every morning, afternoon and night. I started to regret agreeing to it all. I wasn't going to have any free time for at least a week.

The week flew by. I had a ton of fun with everyone. They say laughter is the best form of medicine and that seemed right as my busy days passed. Since I was already out of the house, dressed and caffeinated, I even made it to some band practices where we were able to piece together some true beginnings of songs.

By Sunday I was happy to be alone again. I rewarded myself for my sociable week by sleping in and letting myself walk around my house in a pink unicorn onesie. I drank a cup of tea, caught up on the shows that had come on that week and then I decided to check out my social media.

On Facebook I saw a ton of pictures of my friends and I at the bars, cafes and clubs we had been hanging out at the past week. I kept scrolling down my dashboard ignoring all the "Year in Review" posts. Everything was boring and normal until I reached a picture of Jenna and Tay. It hit me hard and sent a new wave of remorse flooding through me. How had I been such a dumb ass? Why couldn't I see what I had had? Was there any way I could get her back?

I thought long and hard on the last question. There had to be a way. Eventually Tay and Jenna would break up. Right? They only lasted the summer last time they dated, there was obviously something that didn't work out. Then maybe I could convince her we needed to try again. We would be finishing the tour soon. Maybe then I could figure out how to make things right.