Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

Lost Cause

Jenna:

I was really starting to believe that Tay and I were going to fix things and make it all back to the amazing relationship we had, had not long ago. She had been treating me like a princess, pampering me with picnics in the park, back massages and endless home made gifts. It seemed like she had an endless amount of energy. She went around the house dancing and singing. Her happiness was contagious. I found myself joining her in her dance parties and sing alongs.

After a week of her spoiling me I felt ready to share the bed with her again. I unpacked my clothes from the suitcases and put them into the closet we shared. Things really were getting patched back up perfectly. I started saying "I love you" to her at least once a day and I meant it every time. I loved the energetic happy brunette. I felt the way I looked at her change back to glances of adoration, admiration and inspiration.

Everything seemed like a dream land until she came into the living room one day bawling her eyes out. "What's wrong Tay?" I asked startled by the sudden change of her mood.

"I don't know" she sobbed.

"There has to be something. You wouldn't be crying for no reason."

"I just feel so bad today. I thought I was done with this. I felt good. I had a month of good feelings. I thought the medicine was working."

"Do we need to take you to the doctor?"

"No. It'll be okay. I won't do anything bad. I'm too tired to do anything."

"Come here hun." I held my arms out and let her snuggle close beside me. I kept her close to me as she cried. "Everything will be okay. I'm proud of you for taking the meds and going through therapy. You're going to see the doctor soon I'm sure he'll figure it out." She nodded. I wasn't sure what to think of this sudden crash of her emotions. Had her body stopped accepting the medicine? Had her happiness just been a hypomanic episode of the bipolar disorder?

My brain was telling me to run fast and far, but my heart made me stay. As much as I was scared that she was never going to get better now, I knew barely any time had passed and there were a million things the doctors could try. She was on a low dose of medicine now. There was still hope and I needed to be here for her. I was giving her another chance.

I stayed up with her that night. She couldn't fall asleep until 1.30 in the morning and nothing she tried doing to pass the time made her feel better, most of it actually made things worse. She spent most of the night curled up next to me crying. I wanted to cry with her, but I figured it would make it harder to calm her down.

The next morning she called the psychiatrist to make an appointment. I was glad she was staying on top of her treatment. I hoped that even if the two of us didn't last that she would continue getting help now that she had been diagnosed. I was disappointed to hear that she wasn't able to see the doctor for almost a month. The poor girl might have to deal with this struggle for another month or two, or longer if they didn't find the right mix of meds.

Tay seemed to be in a little bit of better spirits, but I could tell she wasn't feeling great. I let her take it easy, only asking her to go for a short walk with me around the neighborhood. I didn't want to let her stay closed up in the house for too long. If she let herself be surrounded by the misery she would be smothered by it and never get out. A little fresh air would help clear her head a bit and the exercise was good for her too.

Our shoes crunched the snow beneath our feet, our breath formed clouds in the cold and our cheeks were red from the icy nip of the air. We walked shoulder to shoulder, hands held tight together. For a moment everything seemed completely normal. There was nothing wrong. We walked silently, as I was soaking in the peace. Tay, on the other hand, was using the silence to over think.

"Jenna. You still love me even though I've gotten bad again, right?" she looked at me with sad pleading eyes.

I stared back at the pitiful face with reassurance and security "Of course. I just need to know you are working on getting better. I loved you even when I was shutting you out, I just couldn't let myself stay close to you. I get scared of losing people, I've know too many people that have left me in both life and death." the memories of all the losses filled my head. A single tear rolled down my cheek. Tay gently brushed it off my face.

"I am working hard. I won't leave you. I won't go down without a fight right now." she said with conviction.

"I'm glad to hear that. You are my little warrior princess." I smiled and she weakly smiled back.