Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

Lonely Girl

Hayley:

Jenna stood at the far end of the room, right by the door. She didn't say anything, she didn't move; I wasn't even sure she was breathing. I read fear, panic and pain from her body language; her whole body was tense. She had gone into the fight or flight response as if she saw me as the predator and herself the prey.

I thought carefully about what to say. This might be the only chance I would have to mend our twisted relationship, I thought.

Jenna waited expectantly, her muscles becoming a little more relaxed, yet still cautious and protected as she waited in silence. She must have been warming up to the idea of talking it through. She walked closer to the stage. Her brilliant blue eyes sparkled in the light as she came closer; my heart skipped a beat and I (figuratively) kicked myself for having let her get away.

As she reached the edge of the platform I realized Taylor and Jeremy were still up on stage helping their techs set up. I couldn't kick them out to talk to Jenna so I would have to be the one to move. The main hall wasn't a good place to have a private conversation anyway, there were microphones everywhere and people running from one side of the room to the other.

"Can we go back to the dressing rooms?" I asked, yelling over the rumble of Jeremy testing his bass.

Jenna nodded and waited for me to lead the way. I hopped down three feet to the floor and headed out the door. I felt the friction of the carpeted hall under my shoes as I dragged my feet hesitantly. I scanned the signs of the doors as I passed them. 5 doors down we arrived at the Paramore dressing room.

I sat down on the sofa. I invited Jenna to sit beside me. She stared at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something. I had been working on a speech, the perfect way to defend myself, but all was lost as soon as it was time for me to say it. I opened my mouth hoping that some intelligible words would come out of my mouth, of course that didn't happen. Instead I remained there my mouth wide open and my eyes wide with panic.

"I hope you didn't plan to just sit here with that dumb look on your face." she said half-jokingly, breaking the tension between us a bit and helping me collect my thoughts a little better.

I closed my mouth, swallowed the spit that had collected at the back of my throat and re-prepared my speech. Ready to get it over with I let the words fly from my mouth.

"I'm so sorry I caused you so much pain. I regret what I did. I know I'm not saying anything new, but I want to make it clear. You meant a lot to me and in no way was what happened your fault. Having you on tour is just as awkward for me as I believe it is for you, correct me if I'm wrong." Jenna remained quiet. "We're going to have to deal with it one way or another and I really don't want to have to avoid you."

I waited for an answer, I couldn't let the conversation be one sided.

"I don't think it would be very easy to stay away from each other when we have to be in the same building every day; my attempt to avoid you failed after less than a day. Do you really think we can fix this? Sitting here in the same room with you I feel sick, I don't know why. I don't want to be away from you, but at the same time I can't stand being with you." I could see the conflict of emotions brewing a storm in her, it was clearly reflected on her contorted face.

"Do you think there is any way I could make it better? I'll do anything at all." I pleaded

Jenna stared down at her hands that were folded in her lap. "Kill yourself maybe." she muttered

"Don't worry that thought has gone through my head." I said shamefully. She immediately looked up alarmed, obviously feeling terrible for the comment she had made.

"I had no idea. I'm so sorry, what I said was wrong. I shouldn't wish such a thing on my worst enemy, you aren't even my worst enemy."

"It's OK. We all say things we don't mean when we are upset."

"I know you really want to mend this, but it takes time for hearts to heal and feelings to be put back in order. I loved you, I trusted you, I had even started seeing a real future ahead for us, but you betrayed me. Everything I thought of you was set ablaze in that one moment, I learned I couldn't trust you and now I'm not sure I can even trust myself. Why did you do that to me?" her previous remorse disappeared and had returned to the hateful sorrow from before.

"I'm not sure why exactly I did it. Maybe for control. It's hard being in a relationship when you are away from home 2/3 of the year. It's even harder when your partner is traveling just as much and your schedules don't match up. It's something I've had to deal with since I was 16, for once it was nice to feel like I had control over what was happening."

"That's a rather lousy excuse. I've had to deal with the same thing, but I didn't cheat on you. I've never done it and I never will." Jenna said sternly.

"You asked me why and I told you, I never said that it justified my actions." I snapped back defensively. This wasn't going well. We were probably making things worse. I took a deep breath, then another, finally a third, trying to calm the rage.

I looked into Jenna's eyes, at first all I could see was the anger bubbling at the surface. Then I saw that it was just shielding her vulnerability: the heart-break, the disappointment, the self doubt; things she had admitted to in words, but was too scared to show. It was like a glass filled with water, it was able to keep everything inside and appeared solid, but could easily be broken allowing the contents to flood out.

I, on the other hand, was already broken, desperately trying to bring the pieces back together, but also realizing that it might be better if I let everything flow freely, like a river on it's way to a calm lake. I had no other choice. It was the only way I could possibly fix this messed up situation.

"What are you hoping to accomplish with this? Are you just wasting my time? Do you think I'll come crawling back to you, that I'll realize that you did nothing wrong? I won't, I promise you that. I have more self respect than that." Jenna yelled, her voice cracking under the strain.

"I would never expect that. I know what I did was incredibly dishonest and corrupt. All I want is to try to come to a peaceful settlement so we aren't causing ourselves continuous torture every time we see each other. We aren't going to be able to avoid each other even after this tour. We are going to be playing the same festivals at some point." I said in as level a tone as I could manage.

"Fine. I guess you're right. Maybe it would help if I got some answers from you." she tried her best to not sound hostile, but failed miserably.

"I'll answer any questions you may have."

"When did the affair begin?" she asked aggresively.

"While you were stuck in England/Australia." I replied plainly.

"Did it continue while I was home?" she growled.

"No, I would never have chosen her over you. Every free moment I had I reserved for you."

Jenna let out an angry/amused laugh. "I think you picked yourself over anybody." I let her comment roll off me. She was right. "Did you have feelings for her?"

"Absolutely not. It was solely a physical relationship."

She thought for a second before continuing her interrogation. Her last question took me by surprise. "Do you still love me?"

My breath caught in my throat, I couldn't breath. Time seemed to stand still. I sat there waiting for something to happen, but I couldn't form the words. Jenna stared back at me, her eyebrows raised expectantly. I forced myself to look away from her. My cheeks were flushed, making me look like a tomato. I could hear the blood pumping through me. My breath came in quick, shallow gasps and my pupils dilated in fear.

"You said you would answer anything. Tell me the truth. Do love me?" she repeated.

I put my hands on either side of my head and regulated my breathing hoping to slow my racing heart and spinning brain. Finally the words came out "Of course I do."

Jenna was taken aback, she wasn't expecting me to say that. I could see that as her mind processed what she had just heard, her defensive wall came crashing down.