Maybe We Were Meant to Be (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

It Takes More

Jenna:

Everything seemed to have crashed down around me. I really didn't know what to believe or feel. I had based my calm, cool, collected attitude on the belief that Hayley felt nothing towards me. It had allowed me to almost hate her for it. Now I was stuck with the realization that she had been left broken hearted by her own actions. A feeling that was probably worse than what I felt.

The sad, hopeless romantic, emotional side of me wanted to forgive her and get back together. It seemed so easy, if I just acted like nothing had ever happened. Go on forgive her. It's not like you haven't slipped up on occasion too. You were having so much fun together. You love her, as much as you've tried to bury that feeling you know it's still here.

The other part, the logical side, reminded me that there would be no way of continuing with a healthy relationship. Everything we did together would be clouded with resentment and worry. You can barely stand the sight of her most of the time, how would you be able to deal with being with her all the time? Do you really want to torture yourself with the constant nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong at any minute?

A smaller third voice spoke up. It branched out from the lovey dovey me. There's someone better out there for you. She's just outside, waiting for you. You know she wants to be with you, but won't say anything because she doesn't want to make things more complicated for you. That kiss wasn't just a dream.

This internal conflict was becoming loud, I heard a war in my head. Unable to concentrate and find a solution I decided, once again, that running away was the best solution. Ignorance is bliss, right? Not looking back at Hayley, nor saying a word, I quickly got up and fled out the door. I ran through the maze of hallways (left, right, left, left again, right... dead end, turn around) until I finally found the exit.

The bright sunlight blinded me. I was like some kind of living dead creature, mostly because I wasn't quite sure I was actually in my body. It was a strange sensation. I saw myself moving, but didn't really feel it and everything was thoughtless.

I ended up in the back of the TA van, back in my seat. I grabbed my headphones, blasting music deafened me from the rest of the world. Then I curled up and wrapped my blanket around me isolating myself from everything else. I urged myself to go to sleep in hopes that I would wake up to find myself in a better scenario; maybe one where I was back at Warped, curled up next to Hayley on a bus.

Instead I woke up to the sight of Tay and Hayley standing outside, by my van, talking. I couldn't hear, but it seemed like a calm, civilized conversation. I should have been happy that at least they were getting along, but I actually was scared. What would they be talking about? Me? No, I'm just being paranoid.

I cranked down the window slowly and quietly. I strained my ears to eavesdrop.

First I heard Hayley. "I tried to catch up with her, but she was faster than me. This place is so easy to get lost in. I'm surprised she made it out so quickly." So they were talking about me. " Anyway, this is getting out of hand. I'm not sure we're ever going to work it out. Maybe it would be better if Paramore left. I'm sure Jenna would be happier to be alone with you."

Tay piped up. "No, things between us are a little awkward. She isn't over you, I'm not over her and I'm not quite sure what her feelings towards me are."

"So all that time she spent at your place and nothing ever happened?"

"Just some cuddling, but that was only occasionally and meaningless." I heard the bittersweet tone, I guess she was happy that we had spent those evenings close together, but I had denied it being anything more than two friends hanging out.

"What can we do? I might have a mental breakdown if we don't figure this out." Hayley cried out in desperation.

"Sounds like Jenna may already have had one from what you said happened earlier and the look of that tight cocoon she's trapped in now."

"We're in deep shit. I have no clue what I'm going do. Maybe you can talk to her?" Hayley's voice was full of doubt.

"I can try, but I don't have much say in this matter."

I didn't hear any more words and then there were two sets of footsteps one leaving, one coming towards me. Someone knocked on the door.

"Open the door Jenna. I know your not sleeping." Tay said.

I lifted my head and saw Tay staring disapprovingly down at me, one eyebrow raised. I flashed her the cutest apologetic smile I could. She rolled her eyes back at me.

"Open the fucking door." she said again. I did as told. She pushed me over and sat down next to me. "What the fuck is going on with you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked innocently.

"I mean what's going on between you and Hayley? Nothing will change if you just keep ignoring the problem."

"It is hard to be forced face to face with someone who betrayed me so badly so soon. The wounds are fresh." I replied defensively.

"Jenna you've had months to figure it all out. I understand if you're a little confused, upset or hurt, but that doesn't excuse you from working things out with her."

"Why should I?" I whined.

"Don't be so immature. You know that it's making things worse for all three of our bands." Tay said, still clearly annoyed.

"Fine. I'll try and have a serious conversation with her... if you'll answer 1 question honestly."

"Sure."

"Did we kiss last night and if so what did it mean?"

Tay looked shocked. "I can't remember anything from last night. You know I don't handle alcohol very well. Why do you ask?"

"I don't know if it was a dream or not."

"Do you want it to be a dream or not?"

I blushed and looked away. "I don't know... I'm not sure what exactly it meant." I looked back at Tay, she seemed to be nervous. "Do you think it was a dream?"

"I.." she took a long pause, she was lost in her thoughts "I hope it wasn't."

Surprisingly her words didn't surprise me. I had thought that she still was holding on to her feelings for me, the ones from two summers ago and the ones from last summer. The memory seemed to become more clear, it felt sincere. I started wanting for it to happen again. I wanted to kiss her again.

I leaned in closed my eyes and waited for her to close the space between us. Instead I was gently pushed back. I opened my eyes and Tay was once again staring disapprovingly at me.

"If you can fix this fucked up mess you have with Hayley then I might kiss you, but right now I'm upset with you and in no mood for that."