𝔀𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓲 𝓵𝓲𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝔂𝓸𝓾?| 𝓪𝓵𝓮𝓬 𝓵𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝔀𝓸𝓸𝓭

Chapter Thirty-Six

(hi guys, i hope you've all had time to process what the hell just happened in the last chapter because...i know that was a lot. so am i gonna give you some relief? no, you have to listen to one of the saddest songs in the world for today's sotc, which is dark paradise by lana del rey. yes. NOW some of you may not be happy with the outcome of today's chapter, but for the story to continue and for the other books to make sense, it has to happen, okay? so.... don't come for me. happy reading <3)

The night was dark and cold as Ness sat in Magnus' apartment, staring at the clean, painted ceiling, and wanted to die.

The pain in her chest had barely eased, even though it had been over four hours since she'd watched the life leave his eyes. She didn't feel empty, the way she normally did when someone died. No, she was overflowing with tears, and memories, and regrets that she never got to see the day where he'd take her on a date, or go to Magnus' for cocktails, or kiss her under the mistletoe while it snowed outside the window.

She couldn't even close her eyes, because the scene would replay over and over again, seeing the hellfire hit him again and again was like a personal torture, because it was her fault.

She'd brought this on him.

He wouldn't have done it if he didn't love her.

Izzy and Magnus had long gone to bed, but Ness couldn't. there was no relief in sleep for her, because she would see him die, and she couldn't watch it anymore. It would destroy her.

Permanently.

Before she had gone, Izzy had given her a long and hard hug, as if she were saying I don't blame you, but she couldn't get the words out. Magnus had ruffled her hair affectionately and kissed her on the forehead.

"It'll be okay, Sweetpea" he had said in his soft, kind voice. "You'll figure it out."

She'd nodded, knowing that it was a lie. 

A kind one, but a lie all the same. 

She leaned her head back on the cream sofa, her eyelids heavy and drooping, but she was determined to keep them open, because heaven only knew what her mind would do to her if she slept. She missed him horribly, and yet he was barely gone.

If Ness was offered the chance to give up her right hand for just one moment of his arms around her, she'd cut it off herself, and hand it to the offeror on a silver platter. She'd have done anything, given anything, sacrifice her whole self to get him back, even for a moment, and it wasn't her being impulsive, or grief crazed, it was serious, she was serious, because if she knew someone that would-

But she did.

She sat bolt upright on the couch; her mind working overtime, figuring out a plan from the thought that she'd just plucked from the back of her mind. The tiredness she'd felt just a moment ago had evaporated; she could almost hear her brain kicking into action, her heart rate increasing and her entire body becoming invigorated by the golden elixir that was hope.

For the first time ever, being a freak had given her an advantage, the upper hand, leverage to get what she wanted. It was crazy, it mightn't work, but she had to try.

Alec deserved for her to try. She owed him that.

She stole out of Magnus' apartment, creeping quietly, but having second thoughts about disappearing, she turned back, and left a note. 

Mag or Izzy,

Don't worry about me if I'm not back when you wake up.

Promise I'm totally safe. There's just something I need to do.