Grown up kid

The blood we bled

Johnny woke up bright and early and went home before any of the gang could come over and beat him more.
Ponyboy sat cross legged on the bed all day, just staring into nothingness. I guessed he was replaying the moment of last night again and again.
Michael had nightmares. I didn't realize how un exposed to the world he was. I could handle this stuff at like four years old. I always doubted him being a greaser. I guess I was too in love to care at the time.
I carried a tray into our room where Ponyboy was still frozen.
"Pony? I have breakfast," I sit it in front of him. "Pony it's okay. Talk to me."
"Why did I trust you? You told me, you told me it was okay to hold his hand. Now he hates me. Aidy I loved him. I loved-." He chokes on his own tears and gasps for air.
"Pony," I had known I only had myself to blame but I tried to not think about it. I leaned over and held him. He lays down, curling into a ball in my lap as he sobs. "I'm not going to pretend to understand. I'm not. I will never know what it's like to be you Ponyboy. But what I do know is your an amazing older brother, you are selfless. And brave. And you'd do anything for anyone in the gang. And that, that makes you an extraordinary person."
"I'm messed up."
I cry at the words my brother says. The way he thinks down on himself like he's a failure or burden. When he saved my life. Michael may have talked me down from the bridge but Ponyboy kept me going after that. He is the reason I'm hear holding him.
"You are not," How do I tell him all the ways he is so absolutely perfect. "Hear." I get up and reach under my bed. I grab a box. Inside the box is an assortment of items given to me by Johnny. All of them things from their dates that I was given to hide.
"This." I hold a piece of paper.

Dear Ponyboy,
I know I probably won't give this to you but it feels good to have it down on paper. I remember back in my hospital room when you came in with your new copy of Gone With The Wind. You read it to me and I just stared at you thinking how did I find such an amazing person. Ponyboy we've been best friends since the big bang. That's what it feels like.
When you held your very clammy hand in my own and told me all the things you felt that day I remember the fire truck red I turned.
We were so scared. These targets on our backs grew larger and larger. But it was all so worth it. The feeling of your hand in mine, your fingers through my hair, or just simply having you around made any fear in me disappear.
Just remember to stay gold pony.
Forever and Always,
Johnny Cade.

"God he is so in love with you Ponyboy what other proof so you need?"

Dear Pony,
I love you.
I can't say it so i'm writing it. I heard that makes it easier. Yet again Steve told me it and he doesn't know who this is to. Has he ever had a girlfriend?
I think Steve Randle is the most single person I've ever met, other than Aidy. But she's like twelve so it's alright.
Anyway. I'm bad at letters and talking. I'm just bad at words.
I hope you get what i'm trying to say.
Forever and always,
Johnny Cade.

"But- when. Let me see," He looks up at me and reaches for the papers. "Pony, I love you." He recites. "I- I love." He says again to himself.
"He loves you. He always had," I dig for the last letter somewhere in the box.

Dear Ponyboy,
Hey it's me again. I hope by the time I tough it out and give this to you we are still together. I'm really bad at words. And letters. I'm bad at a lot of things.
You never gave up on me.
I wonder how you haven't just walked away and left me for dust yet. I would've done that to myself.
I wonder how we'd be if things were different. If we could go see a movie like Soda and Sandy. I wish I could flaunt you to the world Pony.
For now our tiny movie dates in my basement will be more than enough.
Stay gold Ponyboy.
Stay gold.

"Stay gold."
Michel comes in, "Someone called." His eyes are wide.
"Who was it?" I ask, taking the letters from Pony.
"Uhm," He leans into the room and grips my wrist. He drags me into the hall. "Aidy. It's not good."
"Who was it? I bet it was a scammer again."
I'm leaning against the wall and Michael leans over me and whispers into my ear.
"Johnny."