Grown up kid

Alone

"Aidy, are you sure?" I wasn't. Not at all. I was terrified.
"Yeah."
I was fourteen and in that moment I suddenly remembered that. He was fifteen, one year can change so much. He was so ready and I was not.
"We can start slow."
"Have you done this before?" I blurt out.
"Uhm," He looks away for second. "Once."
"With who?" I thought I had been the only one.
"Aimee Hargrove," His hand rested on my chest.
"Aimee? Band kid Aimee?"
"Yes, band kid Aimee. It was one time," He kisses my neckline again. "It meant nothing I swear."
"Yeah, yeah okay," I sigh a breath of relief.
He pauses before starting again. He grabs the side of my face and kisses me. I was used to him kissing me but I wasn't ready for anything else.
He stops and pulls away and I'm thankful he's chickening out before me. But he scoots to the head of my bed and pulls me up into his lap. I'm facing him.
"Aidy," He whispers. He had one of his hand rested by my left ear, the other on my leg.
I put my arms up on his shoulders. His kisses at my jawline and down to collarbone and along it. I'm nearly 90% sure there are going to be a line of hickeys there later.
He moves his hand that was rested on my face for so long to my hips to match the other.
He paused again and I was certain he'd end it right there.
"Aidy, are you sure your ready?"
My fingers felt there way up his neck to his hair at the back of his head. I twirled a piece between my fingers. I stared into his eyes.
"Yeah," I relax a bit. "I'm ready."
"Are you sure," He asks again. "We don't have to just because I want to."
I take a deep breath and nod. I was petrified.
He took his hands off me and reached for the end of his own shirt. He pulled it up and over his head. That wasn't the first time I'd seen him shirtless, actually he quite despised shirts. But in this setting it felt different.
"Are you gonna?" He looks down at mine.
I kiss him and slid closer to him before he can say anything else. I was avoiding everything. I was good at that.
I slide my hands into his hair and he had his hands back at my hips. They slide up under my shirt and I jumped a bit. It felt exactly like Randy.
"No!" I close my eyes. "Sh- I'm sorry. Keep going."
"Are you alright? You seem very nervous." You just now notice?
"I'm fine," Deep breath. "Im fine."
"Okay," He smirks. Faster than I can react he slips his hands under my shirt and flicks it up and over my head. He throws it to the end of my bed; not sure where it landed.
I'm sitting in pajama bottoms and my bra with him staring at me. "You're beautiful." He's staring at the scars. Not just the ones on my abdomen. "Aidy?"
Inflamed lines protrude out from where my bra ends. I did them there so nobody would ever see them.
"Did you do those?"
His thumb slides along them. Some sting, some don't have feeling anymore.
"Yeah," I just staring down which is not convenient at this moment. "It's nothing, there old. Babe." At that moment I wished we kept going.
"Aidy, babe. You did these on purpose?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because," I couldn't look at him. He placed his index finger on my cheek and moved my face to his. "After they jumped me I hurt so bad and I wanted to feel something that wasn't caused by them. I wanted to be in control of myself for once." Now I wasn't lying.
"Hey, hey," His hands cupped my face. "Im not going to give you the 'dont hurt yourself' talk. Not my place. But Aidy, there are other ways to feel something. I used, I used to be like you. When my dad died. I did that too. There are better ways to feel in control."
"But it feels good."
"Yeah, it becomes addicting. I can help you. You have to trust me."
"Can we stop talking about it?"
"Of course, m'lady."