Dave, known disaster bisexual, is in love with Marie. But Marie is dating Dean, the handsomest guy in town.
After being gifted a magical bracelet, Dave gains the ability to transform into a totally different person...Jade, a beautiful, alluring al...
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"So, what do you and Marie usually do?" I grunted, reluctantly asking him about the one topic I had told myself would be a waste of time to discuss. Unfortunately, sitting in silence might be a worse option though, given how much Dean fidgeted and walked around in circles constantly, pissing me off.
"Oh, well we like to go on walks," he said brightly. "It's a great opportunity for us both to get our daily steps in. Every day, we make it a goal to walk at least 10,000 steps together."
"Nice," I replied. Last week, I woke up at 3PM on a Saturday, ate an entire box of Cheerios, and then fell back asleep watching Futurama.
"Cooking is also such a great opportunity for quality time between partners," Dean added. "We agreed that it's a lot more enjoyable to sit together and just appreciate each other's company. We like to call it quiet kitchen time."
"You cook together?" I narrowed my eyes.
"Oh yes. Marie usually takes care of setting the table and washing up, but I like to chop onions and debone the fish and all the nitty gritty. You know, we took a quiz the other day, and it turns out we both prefer quality time to any other love language, including physical touch," he said proudly.
Honestly, if it were me I would choose physical touch, but also the idea of those two touching each other does piss me off to think about.
"So, you two don't even...kiss?" I asked.
"Of course we do. Every now and then," Dean replied. "And we like to hug each other after a long day. But we've never felt the need to go any further."
"Ah. That's cool," I replied. "I have some friends who are like that, I guess. Asexuals."
"Yeah?" Dean asked. "What do they do?"
"They like to bully me," I deadpanned. Dean raised an eyebrow. "They have too much free time, so instead of having sex, they like to gang up on me when we play Smash together," I explained.
"Oh, I see," Dean replied. "What's Smash?"
I started to feel concerned. Even Marie and I used to play videogames back when we were kids. "Have you never played Smash before?" I asked.
"No," Dean said, confused. "I thought...I thought you said your friends were asexual?"
I almost groaned out loud. "Smash, you know, SMASH! The videogame?" I glared at him, and he nodded, pretending to know what I was talking about. "Anyways, don't you and Marie at least play video games together?"
"Oh, yes. Sometimes," he said.
"And how is it?'
"It's alright, I suppose," he said.
Hm. Interesting...
"So you two just...go on walks, chop vegetables in silence, sit on the couch and watch Friends, and then go to bed without kissing each other every day?" I frowned.
