Bottoms Up, Forget Tonight (Revelry Series #2)

Hakbang 18

What is the proper reaction when you saw the living proof of your trauma... right infront of you? Kailangan bang magalit? Sumigaw at sumugod? Manahimik? Umiyak? Anong kailangan?

Hindi ko kasi alam... All I know is that all the pain it caused me are now resurfacing again. Looking at him... feels like I am trapped again.

Parang binalik lahat noong nagtitiis pa akong manatili sa relasyon namin. All the self worth questioning I did. All the emotional pain I had to endure just so I could keep him. All the blame I had to take because they made me feel like it's all my fault why we're falling apart. All those times I begged him to stop hurting me emotionally. And all those sleepless nights I spent crying because my man... is cheating on me.

Bumalik lahat. Pakiramdam ko habang nakikita ko siya ngayon, hindi ako magiging sapat. I will never be enough to make someone stay. It scarred me deep. That two-year long relationship I had with him traumatized me...

And I fucking hate how this could still affect me like it just happened yesterday! Dalawang taon na pero 'yong sakit, nandito pa rin!

Akala ko kapag nakita ko siya, wala na kasi maayos na naman ako. Kaso masakit pa rin pala talaga kahit paano...

"Hira, labas muna tayo? Let's get you some fresh air," ani Kiara habang hinahaplos ang kamay ko.

Umiling ako at nilingon siya. There's no tears in my eyes, just plain blank. Pero 'yong loob ko, parang sinisira. Marahan ang tingin nila Kiara at Ivor sa akin, pati si Achki na rito na sa tabi namin umupo. I smiled weakly at them.

Yes, it hurts. But I'm not weak.

I refused to be.

"We'll stay. May klase tayo." ani ko sakanila.

"Hira, labas muna tayo, please..." halos magmakaawa na si Kiara sa 'kin.

I expected her to react like this. She saw how devastated I was when we broke up. Naiintindihan ko ang reaksyon nila. We're all shocked.

"Kaya ko, Kiara..." ani ko para mabawasan ang pag-aalala niya o nila.

Kaya ko. Masakit pero kaya ko.

Because like what I said... I live with pain.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at lumingon ulit sa harap. Ramdam ko ang mga tingin nila sa akin ngunit binalewala ko. May iilan ding kaklase namin na nakatingin na sa akin, 'yong may mga alam na ex ko si Kyler dahil kabatch namin noong Senior High. I just ignored their stares and looked infront. 

"Kyler James Oliveira. I hope we can all be friends." simpleng pakilala niya at ngumiti sa lahat, bago ulit dumapo sa akin ang tingin niya.

He's always been like that. The good boy-all smiles-nice guy. Kaya maraming naloloko. Pati ako.

Pero hindi na ngayon.

I looked back at him blankly. Napawi ang ngiti niya ngunit mapupungay ang mga matang nakatingin sa akin. Parang wala lang na nag-iwas ako ng tingin. Kasi 'yon siya sa akin.

Wala lang. Wala na lang.

He was my everything then. He's nothing to me now. He's just the living reminder of my trauma and pain...

"Gusto ko na matapos ang klase para mabugbog ko na 'yang gago na 'yan. Kapal ng mukhang magpakita pa." mariing sabi ni Ivor habang nakatingin din sa harap.

Marahas ko siyang nilingon. "Don't you dare!" I said with conviction.

Nagulat sila sa reaksyon ko. Hawak na ni Achki ang braso ko, tila pinapakalma. I saw how Ivor and Kiara's lips parted while looking at me.