Always been you

2021 (51)

To say I was hurt was an undestatement. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, beaten, and then put back inside. It was worse when I knew I had no one or nothing to blame for it. I couldn't point my disappointment and pain on anything because I was the one to ask for this time out. I was in a limbo, and even when it would be very easy to get myself out of it, I was convince this was the right thing to do.

I went to work every day knowing I wouldn't run into Camila again and that took some of the excitement out of it. I still loved my job, that wouldn't change, but having her so close was a nice rush of adrenaline.

We kept in touch but made it simple and short. Just checking out on each other. After all, we were kinda alone on this city. I missed her like crazy, even more than when she went away all those years ago. My whole body ached for her and I couldn't blame it.

I'm taking a sip from my cup of coffee when my phone rings in my pocket. I take it out and almost spill when I see Camila's name on the screen. I do a quick pep talk before picking up.

"Hi", she whispers so softly from the other end.

All inside me contracts at the sound of her voice.

"Hi", I reply.

"Sorry to bother you", she starts saying. "I promise I wouldn't if I didn't have to".

"It's ok", I tell her. Of course she can call me, I didn't remove her from my life completely. "What do you need?"

"They accepted my resignation letter and now I have to take some of my stuff out of the studio. It isn't much, just two boxes but I can't take them on my bike".

"I got you. Are you there?", I walk over the window and look down at the yoga studio across the street.

"Yes, I'm packing everything", she says.

"Lunchtime is in an hour, I'll wait for you outside then".

"Thank you, Shawn", she murmurs.

"No problem", I say like if it wasn't a big deal, but I'm actually shaking at the prospect of seeing her after two weeks apart.

We hang up and I turn around to see Daisy staring at me.

"I was wondering why you hadn't stared out the window lately", she casually says.

"It's nothing", I say because I don't want to talk about it with her.

"Trouble in paradise?", she insists.

"Just let it go", I tell her and walk back to where I was and pick up the guitar.

"Alright...", she sighs. "Jeff was telling everyone you had a new song in the making that was incredible".

I don't look at her and continue running my fingers over the strings of the guitar absentmindedly.

"It's not finished", I murmur.

"Is everything ok?", she asks me and her voice actually sounds softer now.

I stop what I'm doing because her genuine concern takes me by surprise. Her eyes are on me and have a hint of compassion in them. Do I really look that bad?

"I don't wanna talk about it. A no, it's not ok", I reply.

"Alright, I won't push. But maybe finishing that song could help".

Daisy walks away and I zone out thinking how things were so good not long ago. Part of me is still hurt by the way Camila acted and can't let go of that, but the other one would forget everything in a second just to have her back. It's messy and it's eating me alive, but I do think I deserve this time alone to put everything into perspective.