dear diary,
i'm so, so frustrated.
i genuinely miss the moon and lying down and watching the clouds go overhead and the stars. and oh how breathtaking a sight that is (as i write this down, i feel terrible. i terribly, terribly miss that. God), the clouds moving over the naked sky and sometimes the moon and creating these beautiful dancing light effects! i miss that soooo much. i'm coming to terms with what a craving feels like. a very bad craving. i crave those peaceful nights so badly.
and (how do i begin to talk about this?) i don't know which one i miss the most, but i also miss writing. i miss the past me, the one who could write and believed herself to be a writer. she believed because she had a reason. whereas this present me, the one typing this, doesn't.
i can't even believe this is me. i don't know how and why it has come to this. i can't believe it's been maybe more than a year, and not just what feels like it, since i haven't written. i mean i have, but very, very rarely.
i miss writing so much it's made me so freaking frustrated.
i had this small wish to publish the final letter one day but i don't even write that anymore and it's stuck for months and it's frustrating me, too.
i have no one to motivate me, to tell me what to do and how to retrieve myself. i wish i had someone, but no one seems to care. no one understands and no one wants to.
these two things--moon/sky/clouds/stars and writing--were the only things that would keep me sane, literally. now i don't have either.
and i don't know how much longer i can hold on.
