i feel it. i feel the pull. the small me is being sucked toward... the place it has absolutely no right to be. i know why i sought solace outside of my home (house, i mean). when i object to something or even just express my distress, i'm always literally shushed, being made to feel wrong, even called wrong. i'm always harshly shushed. so i naturally get to thinking of places of outlet because the need for release of the pressure in my heart still hasn't gone away. but why the fuck would anyone care? i only end up drowning myself further and further and further.
that night when i was going through serious shit when someone i love was in a critical condition, i did that again because everyone at home was equally distressed. i reached out for the place i am never allowed to.
the little shanzah needed that outlet.
so she reached over me and did it, sought comfort.
the succession of events after that has me in a chokehold, really. she has landed me in such a terrible, sticky situation, my heart in such pain, and i see no way out.
i want to hate her so hard. i'm tempted time and time again. but she doesn't deserve it. she's already in a fragile condition, and the more i shout at this mute girl, the more she cowers and shrinks herself. it's not fair. she did what she thought best at the time, and she'd do it again in a heartbeat a million times over.
i don't blame her. she's been through more than she was ever able to bear.
so, it'll be fine, i tell her. it will be alright. all is well. and most of all, i love you.
not despite everything, but because of it.
