i know i'm doomed. everyone is always doing their best to remind me. but do i ever forget? not even for a second. sometimes i'm okay, even happy, but this impending doom is always lurking behind my eyes. always, without an exception. this doom will probably star in the show that's my life, even ahead of me. i say probably because Allah can rid you of any kind of doom, even very quickly approaching one. i don't want to be hopeless, despaired, surrender in this worst possible way... but it's difficult. it's difficult to smile and appear as if i've never been happier when my heart's crying through and through every moment of it. i was beginning to think maybe i'm fine, maybe it's fine, maybe my heart is fine now, and i'll be okay surrendering to this doom that i don't agree to welcoming. i really began to think maybe i'll be fine through this doom that's being assigned to be mine my whole life. i was wrong.
it's not easy at all to let someone, anyone, else make the decision of your whole life for you when your heart is screaming, pleading to make it stop, change, to leave it alone. but it has always been alone, even when it's being dragged through the mud of my life and being forced to witness my doom and being forced to choke on its mud but never really dying.
it will die with me now.
it will scream itself raw and empty, and then it will stop disseminating blood throughout the other defeated parts of me, and then it will give up. it will stop, and everyone will know all my strength was spent and all my blood was wrung out of me with sharp, clawy hands.
and then i'll give up.
the thought of all that time being spent and then death finally, finally approaching is soothing, relieving, but until then, it's going to be very, very, very hard, and that thought brings me out of the moment of comfort.
oh, God.
...
*inserts crying emoji*
