dear diary...
him...
dear diary,
i'm scared someone will find this out. someone who isn't meant to... but i'm so tired. i cannot hold this all in. i hate him. no i don't. but...
"you make me want to be a better person."
"i care (about you)."
no you don't. you don't care enough. maybe you care as a friend but you don't really care. not enough. not in the way my nights are spent wishing for, crying, from you.
my heart cries and cries and cries and i've tried everything to appease it, have been trying for years (!!), but it just wouldn't get into my control.
oh God.
i'm also engaged. there. i said it.
have been for months. and i'm not happy about it. the idea of marrying into this engagement brings forth my heart into my throat and lodges it there.
it doesn't make sense. i swear it doesn't make sense. none of it makes sense.
it doesn't feel real!!
oh my Allah.
the funny part is... well, no i shouldn't be me again. i wouldn't call my life funny. i shouldn't.
"this life will pass its time one way or the other. just keep trying your best and wear a smile."
oh you're right, goshdangit. but if i actually did tell you what kind of a mess my life's in, i don't think you'll still be compelled to have a similar response.
you don't tell me your problems. you IGNORE ME WHEN YOU'RE UPSET AND YOU... AND YET YOU EXPECT ME TO NOT WORRY? OH COME ON YOU LITTLE KID.
and yet, you claim you always come to me and will continue to when you're upset.
when? when'd you come to me? WHEN?
don't think i'm a fucking idiot. i'm not. AND WHAT DID YOU SAY SORRY FOR THE OTHER DAY?
OH GODDD SO MANY THINGS TO SAY AND NOT ENOUGH COURAGE.
and you're SO full of mixed, confused signals.
WHAT DO I DO?
(do i sound drunk enough? yeah, i've been up and it's almost 9 in the morning now. i'm running on at most 5/6 hours of sleep in the late morning hours and i hate it. but me is me. so. if i said something really bad, please message me. my brain isn't functioning.)
