have you ever had someone in your life who was literally your only safe space? let me explain.
someone who you loved and who loved you enough to always come through all the obstacles that your personality created for them and managed to hug you through it all?
someone you feel empty without?
someone whose absence makes you feel like there's nothing left anymore?
someone long gone that it makes you feel like, “oh fugg, no. no talking helps anymore, not even writing helps the way talking to them helped! i'm truly effed up by now.”?
i'm truly effed up.
for a person on their journey to find themselves, it's so hurtful to feel like there's nothing without “that someone” and no way in heaven are they going to laugh again with their whole heart without “that someone.”
yeah, that person.
but time heals everything, right?
wrong.
absolutely and utterly wrong.
i mean i'm an alive victim of it.
let me explain.
It's been a heck of a long time, i didn't know i was isolating myself, whether deliberately or accidentally, i didn't know. i didn't know what was happening to me, nor do i completely do now. but i do have an idea now: time doesn't heal everything. at least it hasn't done me yet.
It's been a long time. at least it feels like it. and it's now more than ever that i feel it. i don't feel better in anyway and very, very, disgustingly, i can't even cry wholeheartedly, you get me? it's now, more than ever, that i feel like, “wow. i mean, wow. i didn't know i'd distance myself from everyone - even my bestfriend, my only safe space left after “that someone.” i didn't know i'd not be able to think of anything, at all, to help me, in any way. i mean - wow.”
what did you do to me, someone? (oh, i would've written the real name here but you know, it's too personal to share it with the world. not that the world really exists. still.)
although whatever you did to me is so special, i can't get over it just yet. wonder if i ever would. and if i really want to. (and by “get over it,” i mean - i don't know what i mean.)
but one thing i'd want to tell you is; time hasn't healed me. i can't stop missing you, and i miss you more than missing itself.
