i talk a lot. and i mean a. lot. i always have. and i can't remember a time when i haven't felt embarrassed of myself for it. except maybe when i was three, which of course i don't remember. i just cannot sit in silence. i always keep wracking my brain for something to say. and if anything happens, even the littlest things, or if i learn something new or discover something, MY BRAIN IS ALWAYS PHRASING HOW I'D TELL THIS TO SOMEONE, TO MY MOTHER, MY SISTERS, MY FRIEND AND WHATNOT. AND I'VE BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE MY CHILDHOOD. ALWAYS HATED MYSELF FOR IT, ALWAYS THOUGHT I'M ANNOYING EVERYONE, STILL DO. i remember when i was little and my uncle was on a computer, i sat beside him AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WOULDN'T SHUT UP. i still remember how i felt when he smiled and pretended to pay attention and giggled at my stupid pointless rants. i felt embarrassed. i felt like WHY AM I LIKE THIS? HE'S LAUGHING AT ME. HE THINKS I'M STUPID. AND EVEN THEN I COULDN'T STOP. and if i think about it, i'm still that little idiot. WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY CAN'T I EVER STOP? i always, always feel embarrassed even in front of my own family, even my own mother. to anyone else it might sound funny, but to me it's a HUGE insecurity. whenever someone tells me to shut up, or tells me i talk a lot, i get hurt. and when i get hurt, what do i do? yeah? i shut up. completely. AND WHEN I DO THAT EVEN THEN MY FAMILY KILLS ME! WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS? YOU'RE HURTING US. and it's like no matter what i do, i'm always, always, always a pain in the ass. but the funniest part is, i've tried for years and years to change myself, i really have. now i've given up, because if i'm silent, everyone accuses me of overreacting, and i don't think i can truly change anyway. not until... whatever. not like anyone cares.
