dear diary,
eid day was-surprise, surprise-good. it was full of laughs and smiles and whatever, which isn't actually surprising because i'm like a great actress, and why wouldn't i be, considering it's what i've been learning and practicing from my very initial years of life, ever since i can remember. so it's all good, right?
well, i guess it should be. everyone is like super happy, and why would it ever, ever, matter what i want or need or what i feel and whether or not i'm happy. why the fuck should it matter, right? because it's my life? because it should? because i deserve it? no. i've never deserved anything more than loneliness. now i'm an adult, i have an adult in me to parent my inner child-and i've been nothing but cruel to this inner extremely wounded child-but i was just a child when i was beginning to get accustomed to loneliness and forced to settle for it. i was confused, i didn't know what to do, i was tormented. so i grew to be an extremely difficult, aggressive, uncomfortable person. (and everyone wonders why i'm so fucking sensitive. i've had it all. i'm the luckiest person on earth. i should be the least likely person to ever, ever be so sensitive, so underconfident, so... bitingly aggressive. this fricking invalidating behavior broke me further and further and further and it never stops, i swear. why are you like this? i was asked for the first time, accusingly, when i hadn't even begun to understand the answer. now i'm still in the process of truly understanding myself, and i cannot handle this inner child that i feel so, so sorry for.)
so yesterday was so draining and i only really realized how badly when i finally retired from it for the day and realized how tired and barely containing my tears i was. i cracked open. it was like... someone was tearing me apart from the inside out.
then again, i had too little energy left in me to even cry it out or write, both of which i badly wanted to do.
today, my body is... screaming. i could barely eat all day yesterday. the stress of everything wasn't helpful either. it's natural to be so drained and aching and dizzy, right? i want to sleep again, can barely keep my eyes open, and i want it all to go away.
when i woke up this morning, for a moment i wondered whether yesterday was all a dream, and it felt like it was, for some reason, which led my brain to wonder whether all these months were too, that maybe my dreams are still not shattered so completely and that i've finally woken up from the worst nightmare anyone could ever imagine, and that maybe everything will be fine. maybe it already is.
for a moment i almost felt relieved. then... i realized... it hit me like a fricking ton of bricks.
i want to feel that again. i want to sleep again (and it's only 2:15 pm now and i feel so sleepy and extremely dizzy and i can barely stand) and wake up when all is fine again, and i wish when i do finally wake up, it's all a big, huge, vivid nightmare.
what a weird day it was. so damn difficult. when will it all be fine? i'm tired. little shanzah is being such a crybaby and i don't know how to handle her. i don't blame her, i'm not angry, i just feel... helpless. i don't know what to do. i can't deal with this alone. i can't deal with her alone. i have to, though, don't i? i have to...
then there's also this... there's this ache in my heart for someone i've no right over. i understand this person so well that it aches. i... i feel the little nuances of their texting and not-texting so, so well, and i would've texted them two nights ago and then last night and then today if the situation was any different. i know exactly when they're upset and i want so badly to be there for them...
but i've no right to.
i know i'm going to cause pain either way and no matter what i do, but i want to prevent it as much as i can. it's stupid because it's inevitable, but i don't know what to do...
dear diary...
that's not all.
bye.
