dear diary, i left your physical version at home. and honestly, what is home? yep, you know what i mean. only you know what i mean.
but anyway, i wrote in it yesterday. and i miss it, and i wanna put a pen to it and write and write and keep writing. and i dont think any words would ever be enough to describe how much i ever feel devastated.
dear diary, to be honest with you - only with you - im scared. so, so scared. me? im not normal. i wish i was. but im not.
why am i not normal?
the fear? why do i feel scared?
fear of intimacy.
you know what that is? its okay, even i dont.
the amount of fear that i feel, its not normal, is it? i mean, i obviously know its okay to feel scared of intimacy, but i dont think its okay to feel so much scared. its not normal, i reckon.
ive always wanted a safe space for me, and just like every teenage girl, i had my fair share of fantasies about it - which is something i never had in my life, not yet - maybe even more. i imagined so many stories - short stories. but when it comes to the other side of all of it - thats right - im scared.
dear diary, im scared.
marriage? i cant imagine myself there, at least not right now. i just want to be left alone. completely - just alone.
can i talk about it with someone? at least not anyone from my family, not my parents or even just my mother.
my mother? shes so keen on getting me married. i mean, i know her, and i know her when she says the praying words about it - that may i get married to a good person and live my life happily - at least thats what she means, you know? shes not a typical desi mom, may i assure you, but when it comes to it.
besides, moving in to another house? making it home? oh, my god, im panicking!
when someone talks about someone to consider for marriage, my heart? it starts thudding. me? i start shaking. is it normal? i reckon it is. its very normal.
not for me, though. its not what girls usual psychology about it is, its different for me. maybe it doesnt use to be, but it is now. for gods sake, marriage is not a joke!
dear diary, im scared.
and i wish suicide was an option. and it makes me feel awful to even think about wishing it. think about how actually wishing it could make me feel?
save me. save me please.
