hi,
it's me again.
i think i should just give up. i know i should be a little more patient, hold on a little longer, but maybe it's not going to work out. i'm very tempted to give up, then the thought comes that i shouldn't give up on dua, because He can turn around anything in no time, just with His kun. then the thought (knowledge) that there's so much happening, all of which looks like i've fallen face-first into sticky mud and there's no way i can make it out of here before my breathing gives up on me.
i was determined to fight until life leaves me, but there's no fight left in me anymore.
maybe there's nothing left to fight for.
maybe i am actually all alone, and all i had was delusions, and all i can do at this point is raise my hands in dua and utter only one word, breathlessly, face wet with tears: mercy.
only mercy can save me now. i'm done with my life and with myself.
no matter how i try to convince myself, i do hate myself. i cannot suppress it anymore. i'm... i just hate myself.
what am i fighting with anyway? fate? i can't fight with fate.
so it's all i can. surrender. give up.
until next time,
dear diary.
let's see where life takes me, or whether it stays or leaves.
