[i couldn't think of a better title. so bare.]
i loved you. i really did. i loved you so much that i ended up being unable to love anyone the same way, with the same intensity, after you.
you didn't do me right. the mere fact of loving you wasn't any less painful that your pretending to love me kept adding to it. i saw, i literally did, how you didn't care about me, yet i stayed. i fucking stayed.
it wasn't before i let someone else in that i threw you out of the little world that was mine.
i hate you, so much. and more than that, i hate myself for loving such a prick like you.
for a long time, i tried to believe that i'd never truly loved you, that it wasn't really love, but now as i look at it.. it was. it was pure love that you'd never learned to appreciate. duh, you never even knew what love is.
i hope you love someone. i hope you know one day what love is. i hope you have someone someday who you love with even more intensity that i loved you with.
i hope you learn your lesson one day.
and after all that happens, i hope my thought crosses your mind and i hope that day, you know how wrong you were, and realize the pain you put me through.
i hope you know how much i hate you, and more than that, i hope you know how much self-hatred i ever felt for loving the wrong person.
----------
i'm over the age where you live in fantasies. i'm over the age where you go through things to get you out of your fantasy land. i'm still not over hormonal age.
everyone is hormonal, and i'm not sure if being hormonal is an age. what i mean by "hormonal age" is that i'm still someone who has those moments when they confront the opposite gender and feel the desire for even a glance. and in those moments, you realize you're just a human being, and how disgusting that is, and that makes you feel humble, because you realize you're nothing superior.
is it weird to think you're an ordinary, a limited creature? maybe. not to me, though.
you might think, "oh no, you're disgusting. i don't feel hormonal. i don't have those moments. i'm not like an ordinary human being." let me tell you, it may just be your circumstances, or god's mercy on you, that you never got to such situations.
"oh, how disgusting you are to talk about such a thing publicly." you might think. let me tell you, i don't care about such opinions if what i'm saying is true.
peace. :)
