so, dear diary,
i love my father a lot. dang, a. lot.
but, here's the thing;
there's someone else i love, too.
and trust me, there's nothing i can do about it.
it. just. can't. help. my heart. it can't help itself.
i love my family - my parents and my siblings (sisters for that matter) - and there's no way i ever intend to do anything that i should technically be hiding away from them.
but you see, it's been months, months - no, hold it, it's been more than a year, since i've been trying to shut my heart out.
and honestly, it can't anymore.
it just can't stop loving that one figure and miss that voice and those late night notifications and that waiting, daily, sometimes even past midnight and just... can't.
i want to know what's going on in their life, and i want to tell them they're not alone because dammit, they aren't.
i wish i could just... be there for them? just to tell them how to deal with their insecurities and tell them “us” still matters even if they've stopped believing in destiny and because me technically leaving is why.
i would want to wrap this up by imagining my soulmate is reading this right now and saying, “me leaving is to test you, and i hope you see it like this. maybe the universe is pushing us apart just to make us stronger without each other.
look, there was this you, impulsive, crazy in love with me, or - no offense, but - maybe needy.
now, there's this you, all strengthened up and dealing with life alone.
you were pulling it off really very well when i still wasn't in your life, and that makes you a strong man. and if you did that then, you can do it now. that bit i know.
i love you.”
and i love you - ammaa, abbu, sisters, soulmate, all.
can't i love everyone at the same time? why does it feel so wrong to love my father and presumably my soulmate at the same time?
you know, if you're a muslim, and you're reading this right now, what i mean. i thought it was because i am a muslim - except it isn't. i wish it was, i really do.
i mean, god, i knew it was morally wrong - that bit i'd learned from my parents. but they didn't really tell me it's forbidden religiously more than it should matter “morally.”
and you know, at some point in my life - in fact many, many points in my life, i've killed myself, crying, over assuming i'm character-less. (which, by the way, is so hard to even think, let alone say out loud.)
whatever it is, absolutely whatever, i cannot help my heart, i just effing can't.
----------
when i honestly typed more than half of it, i was dang sleepy, and i was almost unconscious when i typed “i love you.”
