Save Me (Completed)

01

Trigger Warning: self harm

Saved

"Never stop believing in hope because miracles happen everyday."

"Hope is being able to see the light despite all of the darkness. Hope means hoping even when things seems hopeless."

"There's always hope even when you're at the lowest point of your life. Just keep believing. And once you choose hope, anything is possible."

Para sa iba nakakainspire ang mga salitang yan, punong puno ng pagasa, umaasa sa panibagong yugto ng kanilang mga buhay. Yung tipong hihintayin mo ang kinabukasan dahil umaasa ka sa panibagong araw na dala nito. Panghahawakan mo nga naman ang mga salitang habang may buhay may pag-asa.

Pero para sakin, wala akong pakialam kung hindi ko na maabutan ang kinabukasan. I don't care about the future, what it holds and in store for me. Kung pwede nga lang hindi na ako magising kinabukasan eh, I'll gladly accept it and I'll be rejoicing in the after life. Ang negative ba? Well, this is my fucking life and I don't care about it.

"I'm leaving tonight, I'm heading to London." I just stared blankly at her. "Please behave while I'm away. I don't want to hear any news that you were rushed to a hospital because of your suicide attempts again. Please stop those drama." She exclaimed.

I just ignored her.

"And please don't get any more tattoos. Your skin is not a canvas." She added. Her name is Maddison and she is my mother. "Please lang Maze, stay away from trouble this time. Stop being rebellious, don't ruin yourself. Stop it already."

"Just go Mom."

Hindi mo din naman ako naiintindihan and you are not even trying to understand me either. Kung makapagsalita sya sakin parang alam nya ang mga pinagdadaanan ko. She doesn't have the idea. She was clueless. And more importantly, she didn't care about me.

She heaved a deep sigh. Tinitigan nya ako nang may kung anong emotion sa kanyang mga mata. That kind of look has no effect on me. Not anymore. I've been living my life without her care nor her presence. So bakit kelangan nya akong pagsabihan ngayon?

Tinalikuran ko nalang sya. I have a class after lunch. Tho my life is trash, I value my studies. I'm working on my academics, I maintained being a DL. Ito nalang ang pinapahalagahan ko sa buhay ko. I know it doesn't make any sense that I value my studies more than my life but that's all I care. I want to finish my degree. I want to be an Architect. Funny, right? I still have this fucking dream. But my life is living in a nightmare.

After kong magshower at magpatuyo ng buhok. Agad akong nagbihis. I just wore my faded skinny jeans, black printed shirt and my black low cut Chucks. I grabbed my sling bag and my plates. Ipapasa ko na to kay Prof. Lapuz. Ilang buwan nalang ay graduation na.

Agad akong sumakay sa itim kong Strada pick up. I love this car, madami na kaming pinagdaanan nito. I even named my car Max. Sa sobrang dami ng pinagdaanan namin, pati bangin nabisita na namin. Nakipagface to face na din kami sa 3 P's, puno, poste at pader. Kawawa din naman si Max, laging nadadamay sa mga trip ko sa buhay. Well, atleast sya hindi ako iniiwan, I mean matatag sya at hindi pa bumibigay dahil sa mga damages.

I admit, I have the tendency of hurting myself. I tried to harm myself with the intent to end my life, but I don't die. I attempted countless times but I always end up alive. Failed attempts and still breathing. I don't know if luck is really on my side everytime I do those but I'm not happy about it. My state of mind is in chaos. My mind is like a tunnel, the further you go into it, the darker it gets. And the deeper it gets, the darkest it becomes and the harder to be found.