Save Me (Completed)

28

Flight

Ace didn't left me even for a second while I'm admitted in the hospital. He stayed by my side eventhough he can't touch nor get close to me. I can see his frustrations and his desire to touch, hug and kiss me but due to my trauma, he kept his distance. He just watch me afar, he even requested for a female nurses and doctors.

I wanted to touch him but whenever I try to do it, my body is reacting badly. I can't help myself but to tremble and quiver. I'm afraid that everything that's happening is my emotional, physical and psychological response to the extreme negative event that occured to me. And I'm fully aware that those are normal reactions to that horrible event but what I'm afraid most is that it may interfere my ability to live a normal life. I've been through this, and I've been through worse than this. I'm scared because it will affect my relationship with Ace. I'm afraid that I might loose him because of my emotional and psychological battle.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

I looked at him and I saw regret in his brown eyes. He couldn't sleep because my nightmares are attacking me at my sleep. I can see how he is deprived of sleep and rest because he doesn't want to leave me.

"I'm sorry." I answered.

"Baby. I miss you so much."

We stared at each other and I can see longing in his eyes. Ako din, namimiss ko na sya ng sobra. Ang kanyang mga yakap at halik, namimiss ko na. And those thoughts are frustrating me.

"Hindi ka pa nakakapagpahinga ng maayos at nakakatulog Ace. Umuwi ka muna at magpahinga. I'm fine here. I'm already fine."

"I won't leave you. I'm staying here."

"Ace."

"No. I'm staying here, hindi kita iiwan dito." He stated with conviction.

"Nahihirapan ako kapag nakikita kita kasi kahit gustong-gusto kitang mahawakan at mayakap hindi ko magawa. It's my body that reacting violently whenever we try to do physical contact. And it's my fucking mind that keeps on sending those messages to my body to react that way. Gustong-gusto kong maramdaman ang yakap mo kasi I felt safe and secured whenever I'm caged in your arms but now." I trailed off. "My body is rejecting your touch. I can't even explain why it's happening to me and it's freaking me out because it's you!"

Hindi ko na napigilan ang maluha dahil sa frustrations. Kitang-kita ko din ang paghihirap ni Ace dahil sa sitwasyon ko. Kung pano nya pinipigilan ang kanyang sarili na lapitan at hawakan ako dahil takot din sya sa magiging reaksyon ng katawan ko. He is afraid because it might trigger my emotional outburst and much worse than that.

"Ayos lang sakin ang mahirapan basta nakikita at nakakasama kita Maze. Hinding hindi kita iiwan sa laban na to. Hindi kita lalapitan o kaya hahawakan kahit anong mangyari basta dito lang ako sa malapit. Masaya na akong nakikita kita kahit pa gano kalayo. Magkasama nating lalabanan to, sasamahan kita sa laban na to. You'll be healed in time baby and I'll stay with you no matter what. I love you so much baby."

I wept because of his words. Nasasaktan ako sa mga sinabi nya kasi kahit anong sabihin nya hindi nababawasan ang nararamdaman kong sakit. Ayokong nakikita syang nasasaktan at naghihirap ng dahil sakin. Ito ang pakiramdam na pilit kong iniwasan since I met him. This is what I fear the most. Ang mahirapan at masaktan ang mahal ko ng dahil sakin.

I know that it will take time to restore my state of well being. It will be hard for me to cope and to function normally while I'm in this kind of state, unstable and dysfunctional. The effects of the traumatic even that I've experienced was so severe that they interfere with my ability to live a normal life. Kasama dun ang relasyon ko kay Ace. I need to be healed for me to function well.