Mully x Josh (Lovestory) ✓

Chapter 20: Fighting mind

Third person POV:

"Telling or showing him how I feel could destroy everything between us... I don't want to happen... I can't risk that! But we could get in a relationship and I would have everything I want with him... Or I would lose him forever..." my thoughts were racing and fighting inside my head. I dropped to my knees. "Stop it... I CAN'T!" I yelled uncontrollably. Tears of fear ran down my face, I squinted my eyes as hard as possible and held my head with both of my hands. The grip around my temples tighten second by second. I tried letting go, but I couldn't. This was all too much for me. My whole body was vibrating from all the pressure and stress. Suddenly, I heard a knock on my door. Oh no... Mully...

Mully's POV:

I woke up from Josh jumping up and running away. I watched him sprinting towards his room. "What the hell happened?!" I asked myself sleepy. I just sat there and listened. First, I heard a muffled bump, followed by a unidentifiable scream? "What is he doing?" I questioned confused and got up. I slowly moved towards Josh's room. I heard crying and whimpering coming from inside. My face frowned. I carefully knocked on the door. "Josh? Is everything alright?" I asked worried and slowly opened the door.

Third person POV:

Mully was able to get a look at Josh's tear-stained face, before the crying man ran into the bathroom and locked himself in. Mully carefully approached the restroom and sat down in front of it silently. He wasn't sure how to react or what to do. "Josh... what's wrong?" he asked and placed his back on the wooden door. A shaky "N-nothing..." was the only thing Josh was able to say.

Josh's POV:

A part of me just wanted to let it all out. It just wanted to tell Mully everything and get all this pressure away. That part of me just wanted to risk everything. But a bigger part of me was scared. Scared to lose everything. Afraid of Mully's reaction to me being gay and loving him. I imagined him being disgusted and turning his back on me... leaving me. I didn't want that to happen. Losing him would've been my worst nightmare.

Third person POV:

So they sat there, both resting on each side of the door with their backs and not knowing what to do. Mully really wanted to help Josh and tried to figure out what made him so upset.

Mully's POV:

"Did I do something wrong? Was it, because he saw me yesterday in front of his door? Or was it, because of the boy, he likes? Did he hurt him?" I clenched my fist at the thought of someone hurting Josh. It teared me apart to hear Josh whimpering behind me. I had to do something... but what? "If you need me... I'm here for you. No matter what it is, I'll try to help you. You just have to tell me." I said in a lowered voice, hoping it would help Josh to open up. "I-i can't tell you..." was the answer. I frowned and turned around to face the door. "Is there anything I can do to comfort you?" I questioned helplessly. This time I didn't receive an answer. "I'll give you some time... Just know, you can talk to me anytime." I said, got up and left the room.

Josh's POV:

I heard Mully walking out of the room. Even if I wanted to leave the bathroom again, I couldn't have done it. My whole body was still vibrating and I was unable to move in any way. Everything felt so numb and weak. My breath was uneven and my heart felt like it was going to explode. I needed someone to talk to again... but I couldn't talk to Mully or bother Kristy again. "If I'm able to get to my desk, I can call Narrator..." I thought and put all my energy to get out of the bathroom. It was painstaking to unlock and open the door, but I was able to do it and made my way to the desk. I picked up my phone and dialed Narrator's number.

Third person POV:

"Hello?" Narrator's voice appeared. "N-narrator... I need your help..." Josh cried with the phone in his shaking hand. "Josh? What's wrong?" he asked worried. "I don't know what to do... I can't deal with all this pressure..." Josh sobbed. "What pressure? Did Mully do something?" Narrator questioned confused. "No... I just don't know what to do!" Josh almost yelled panicking. "Okay... Josh, listen to me. You need to calm. Take a deep breath and explain to me, what's wrong. Slowly." Narrator tried comforting his anxious friend. Josh started breathing slower and told Narrator about his problem. "I talked to Kristy yesterday." "Your ex Kristy?" Narrator asked wondering. "Yes. I told her about everything that's happing with Mully. I hoped she could help me in any way. She was the same notion as you. She thinks that Mully loves me, but doesn't know how to express it. She gave me the advice either to go and make the first step and tell Mully how I feel or show him that I love him and wait for him to make the move." Josh explained. "Well, that's good, isn't it? And how did you plan on showing him?" Narrator questioned, not really understanding the problem. "That's the point. I'm fighting with myself right now. On one side, I really wanna express my feelings to Mully and tell him everything. On the other side, I'm hella scared of losing him. I can only imagine how disgusted he would be, if I tell him I'm gay and on top of that... in love with him." he continued and started crying again. "You don't need to tell him, if you don't think you're ready. I understand that you're scared of losing him, but you can't make yourself so much pressure. It doesn't help you, it makes things worse. I'm still sure he loves you. If you feel ready, then do it, but focus on yourself first." Narrator's words helped Josh to calm down. He was breathing slower and his heartbeat normalised. "Thank you, Narrator. I really appreciate your help." he whispered and ended the call.

Josh's POV:

I dropped my phone to floor and collapsed next to it. I felt weak. My mind was empty. All my thoughts disappeared and I was just laying there, starring at the ceiling. My face was wet from the tears and my eyes hurt like hell. I looked at my hands, which were still slightly shaking. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on myself. "I just act like nothing ever happened. I had a panic attack and that's fine. It'll never happen again. I overreacted... I'll just take a deep breath and find some kind of excuse to tell Mully." I whispered and wiped the remaining tears off my cheeks.