The One With All the Sokeefe.

Keefe's Coming Out

Keefe's Journal

(a/n so this is the different journal that he wrote in before, where Sophie figured out that he liked her. This one, he isn't cocky or saying that he likes Sophie is a big secret. He has hid this one very well, so he's more of himself in it. Also this is VERY dark, WHOOPS.)

02/2/2029

I've always known, because being straight was never the only option. But to my dad, it was. Even when my aunt told him that she was a lesbian, he forced a smile. In our world, almost everyone was queer or a straight ally. After she left, he threw his watch across the room and yelled at us for the random things. I had left my sketchbook out, and he had said I was "pathetic" and "unbearable." So nothing new. I think I'm going to tell my mother soon, but she might tell my father. It's complicated, and I feel raw and bruised inside. I want to scream, cry, and laugh at the same time. I can't say that he's homophobic, because he technically isn't. But every ice cold glare makes me think he is. It scares me. 

03/2/2029

Sophie looked at me in class today, and I waved. She turned beet red, and looked back down. Does that mean anything? Could it just be that she was embarrassed, or something else entirely. I wish that I could keep my mind off of her, but I can't. Her soft brown eyes make me go crazy, and sometimes, she tugs at her eyelashes when she's scared. It's really, really cute. 

04/2/2029

Today I told Sophie, even though she probably already knew. Fitz had asked me to get more information on Sophie, and if she liked him. The look in his eyes made my heart want to break into a million different pieces. But they would be great together. Better then if I was her boyfriend. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if my current crush and my past crush went out, because my life and suck any worse. 

"Do you think Fitz is cute?" I had choked out, not subtle at all.  Instead of answering, her cheeks turned bright red and she stammered out a response.

"No! I mean... ugh... you do." She finally said, some classic Foster obliviation. 

This took all of my courage, but I spat out, "I used to. But now I think someone else is much cuter." WHY HAD I SAID THAT. I sounded like a total IDIOT! 'Much cuter'- what kind of GARBAGE is that? I mean, come ON. I was mentally berading myself like this when Sophie's cheeks had become more red. 

"Are you gay?" She had questioned, looking curious. Maybe a little disappointed.  Maybe she had looked disappointed because that meant I didn't like girls!  It probably was nothing. 

I had very smoothly said, "No, but I'm pansexual. It means I like everyone, regardless of their gender." At the time, I had been studying her face looking for a reaction. I couldn't for very long, because she immediately was hugging me. 

"Keefe! I'm so happy that you trusted me enough to come out. Do people know?" 

"It's... complicated." Understatement of the year. "Some people know, but most don't." After this, she had hugged me again. It was the best way she could have taken the news. I think I'm falling for her.

05/2/2029

Today in class, Sophie twirled hair around her finger. It got knotted up, and she spent a solid minute trying to untangle herself. The teacher called on me, and I had no idea what the answer was because I had been so focused on Sophie's hair. "Smooth Foster. Very smooth." I whispered to her, causing her to turn bright pink and mumbled "Oh, shut up." She laughed a little, and it sounded like wind chimes on a summer day. Woah, that sounded cheesy. 

08/2/2029

A lot happened. Someone told my dad, by accident, or on purpose, I don't know. All I know is that I was right. He came home, and slammed the door behind him. My mother tried to approach him, but he kept screaming. About honor, about things being 'right', about some things being wrong. I think I know what category I fall under. "Keefe!" He had thundered, running up the stairs. "Come out of your room now." He said now sharply, so even if you hadn't had the background context you would know I was in trouble. I had ran out of my room, and he yelled and yelled and yelled. The funny thing is, he never directly mentioned that I was pan. He only talked about how I shouldn't hang out with Fitz anymore, and how I was a bad influence on him. WOW. Eventually, one of us started to cry. I'm not going to say it was me. I'm not going to say that it wasn't me. So I ran out, and went to the only place that I knew was home. Of course, the Vackers took me in with open arms. Their perfect family made me want to laugh and cry. They wore matching pajamas. Matching pajamas. Yes, they looked amazing with the perfect teal eyes and pitch black hair they all had, but still. It's the principle of the thing. My father eventually found me, and in my mother's words "forgave me, and was letting me back home." YEAH. Because it was my fault that he was terrible, and was graciously letting me back after he kicked me out. OH WAIT THAT'S A LOAD OF HORSE CRAP. I shouldn't have to be punished for being myself. My father should, because he's a terrible person. If he could swap me for Fitz, he would in a heartbeat. Even though he has never shown any signs of affection towards me, I still want his approval. It's a cruel game that we're always playing, and I finally lost. I'm not going to write anymore, it just feels like I'm ripping up wounds I want to heal. 

03/3/2029

I think it's him. He is part of the organization that kidnapped Sophie, hurt her and Dex, tortured them, and now I want to kill him. It's easier, in a way. When the shades of gray fade to black and white, villains are discovered and the victims are found. Now it's up to me, and I won't let him get away.