He was trying to make peace with his past.
So was she.
James Barnes and Anastasia Morozov were similar in many ways, and possibly the only people on the planet who understood each other. Both having a past with HYDRA and experiments, being used and...
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Standing alone at my door felt like an unneeded punch to the gut. I took a deep breath and put the key into the lock before opening the door and walking in. My plants were drooping, some were browning. Shit. This is what happens when you get carried away with chasing bad guys.
I immediately dropped my bag at the front door and walked to my watering can, taking a deep breath. It would all be okay.
I started going around my apartment, watering each plant in turn. This was how I calmed myself, going around and methodically watering my plants. I knew which ones needed more and which ones needed less, which ones needed water every few days, and which ones could go for a couple of weeks.
When I finally finished watering them all I picked my bag up again and walked into my bedroom, putting the bag on my bed. I then spent my time putting clothes in my hamper or hanging them back up if I hadn't worn them. I would wash my clothes tomorrow.
After I showered I got dressed and sat at the edge of the bed, staring at the wall.
I thought being alone was peaceful before all of this, it gave me room to think and be calm. I had my plants, I could do whatever I wanted and no one was here to judge me for it. Being alone meant I had been free...
And now, now the silence in the apartment was deafening. I looked to the plants that had given me comfort, they still did, but they didn't stop this feeling that something was missing. I then looked to the digital clock on my bedside table, I had only been home for an hour and a half and I already wished that someone would text or call to say we had a lead. I wished that James would call, or even better come to my door.
I held my own arms and took a deep breath.
I had never felt lonely before.
This was what Raynor had been trying to help me avoid, feeling lonely. God, I was an idiot. All this because I was angry that I couldn't remember the past that James and I had together? I had blamed him like it was his fault, even if he had kept it from me I couldn't blame him for it. I would have done the same. If I had remembered something I would never have said so, it meant that there was more substance behind what we had. It gave me less of a chance to run.
But there surely wasn't a way that those memories were permanently gone.
I wanted nothing more than to remember, but it also terrified me. What if we meant more to each other than Zemo had said? After all, when James had asked what I saw in our future I froze and deflected. He was right, that shit was terrifying. I didn't want to tell him because it would be an admission of what I wanted, it would mean that I couldn't hide anymore.
He was worried that I didn't see anything, which couldn't be further from the truth.
I saw us together. I saw us living a simple and mundane life. Living in a simple colonial-style home, or maybe a ranch, newly remodeled. There was plenty of space, grass for our child to run on. I could almost hear the laughter, I could see James and our child playing in the front yard as I watched, a dog running amok with them. I could almost feel the peace from that singular scene, smell the air and feel the breeze on my face.
