He was trying to make peace with his past.
So was she.
James Barnes and Anastasia Morozov were similar in many ways, and possibly the only people on the planet who understood each other. Both having a past with HYDRA and experiments, being used and...
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*warning, mention and discussion of suicide attempt*
ana
"So, today may be our last session. How do you feel about that?" Raynor asked, I didn't have an answer for her. I felt both relief and worry, I had made it through and come out a better more rounded person, but without Raynor to fall back on...
"I don't know." I answered, was I scared? A bit. I needed her to clear me for the field before I could continue doing what I had just finished here in New York. She held a fragile piece of me in her hands, a piece that would obliterate the entirety of me if dropped. If she said I couldn't go in the field then I didn't have a purpose, not even Bucky could help me past that. I'd be right back where I had started.
"Alright, we'll talk about what has happened since I saw you last and work from there. So, catch me up." Raynor said, her notebook on her lap with her pen ready to go to.
"I'm sure you've watched the news." I said, she nodded and tapped her pen onto her chin.
"I want your view." She told me, which roughly translated to I want the in depth, emotional version of events that the news doesn't cover.
"Well, we started with getting to Zemo. The soldier serum was a part of Hydra's experiments so we went to the man who knew everything about Hydra." I said, I still hated that man... maybe that hatred had lessened, but it wouldn't leave me for a while.
"What didn't you like about Zemo?" She asked me, clearly seeing how angry I was just mentioning his name.
"He knew everything about me, about Bucky and the past we didn't remember together. Aside from that he treated us as weapons instead of people, no matter if he said he didn't think of us that way that was how he used us. But, I guess that's how we were using him, as a tool to gain us knowledge and access to places we normally wouldn't be able to get to. But he knew my trigger words, the ones that shut down Empress." I told her, I thought back to that conversation on the plane. I had never seen Bucky so totalitarian before or since. "But it wasn't just the trigger words he knew, he knew how Hydra kept power over me, the hypnosis and brainwashing... it wasn't as obvious as Bucky's and it was a hell of a lot more complicated."
"Right, there is a lot to unpack there." Raynor said, straightening in her seat as if to start to lead me through it. I didn't need her to.
"Just follow the story." I said, Raynor furrowed her eyebrows, probably confused at the fact I wanted to talk. What was I trying to gain from telling Raynor everything? The answer was simple, that I was now capable of controlling myself and helping others without losing myself again. "Zemo had a lead, in Madripoor, so that's where we went. Two things happened in Madripoor, I used my powers and Bucky used my trigger words so the brainwashing was officially knocked out of my mind and Bucky and I slept together." I said bluntly, I watched as Raynor shuffled in her seat. Was that too much information? I didn't know where I should draw the line, but either way it was crossed now.
