Empress ||Bucky Barnes||

thirty

ana

What the fuck?

What the actual fuck just happened?

He did not just do that.

He did not just walk out on me after I told him what happened the last time I was left alone.

Why?

I stood up and walked to my door which he had left open. Or maybe stormed would be the right word. Who in their right mind would abandon someone the second they made themselves vulnerable? I had made myself so goddamned vulnerable and he just...

I threw my hands forwards and a wall of my power cut off the end of the hallway, preventing Bucky from leaving like he apparently wanted to. He was so far away from me, maybe far enough that he couldn't see the hurt behind my anger.

"What the fuck?" It was the only words that came to mind in this situation. He didn't say anything. "What the fuck?" I asked again, although this time it was more of a hiss through my teeth.

"Ana-"

"I tell you what happened last time I had no one, what I almost did, and you proceed to walk away from me? To leave me alone again? How dare you?" I said as I walked towards him, or stalked. Probably stalked. He seemed slightly intimidated by me, as he should be. "How could you do that to someone? How could you do that to me?" I asked once I got close enough that I could reach out and touch him if I wanted, not that I did. In my current form of anger, reaching out to touch him would involve at least a small level of violence that we would never come back from.

I had been looking forward to telling him, to opening up completely and having nothing between us anymore. I told that voice in the back of my head that doubted everything that this would be okay. That voicing what had happened would mean I would never be alone again. I never thought he would walk away. What had made him do that?

Maybe I was damaged, and even he saw that now.

"I..." He had a look of regret on his face. Why? I mean, good he should regret it, but why?

"One chance, you have one chance to explain yourself before I kick you out of the building myself and you'll never hear from me again." I told him. So far what I had learnt about him was he didn't know how to handle relationships anymore, not that I blamed him. He hadn't been able to read the signals I was sending to him until I kissed him, and even after that he didn't understand the implications of my words, of my actions. He couldn't read me yet. And when he did he didn't seem to know exactly how to react. I want this to have a good explanation, some way that he was trying to help me without thinking it through properly.

"Why would you want to go through all of that again?" He asked, the question confused me.

"What are you talking about?"

"You... you became so depressed about losing the people close to you that you tried to end your own life. I get why you thought getting close to others was a mistake." He said, I was taken aback by his words.

"All I know right now is that I... I have made a mistake by trying to let people close to me."

"That's not what I had meant." I managed to say, although it had been. By letting people close to me I had let myself get hurt again, but if I hadn't of done so I would never have felt the companionship that I do. Never would have made a new friend in Sam, never would have found whatever I had with Bucky.

"I don't want you to ever feel that way again." He said quietly.

"So you would rather isolate me now instead of later?" I asked, he seemed to realise what he had actually done then.

"If you ever tried to kill yourself because you lost me I would never forgive myself." He said, and it took everything in me to keep calm.

"To start with it wouldn't be your fault, you don't dictate my mental health, I do. Secondly, you don't get to weigh that risk, I do. Thirdly, I will repeat my point from before; you would rather isolate me now instead of later?" I said, watching him carefully. "I am in a much more stable place mentally right now than I have been in my entire life. I had no tools to use for myself, no outlets and no one that I could go to for help. I have all of those things now. So all you're telling me is that because of my previous experiences that I shouldn't be happy for the first time in my life as it could take me back to that place if it's taken away from me." I said. "Do you realise how sadistic that sounds? That I can't be happy because I'll be sad later?"

"Ana, that's not what I meant by it I just..." He trailed off, I let him have a few seconds to gather his thoughts, to find a way to say what he needed to. "Telling Yori about his son, it made me think about our future. If we were to have a family, if that family gets taken away... I was willing to take that risk until I realised what it would do to you. I don't want you to ever hurt like that again, I can't let you hurt like that again." Right, so he was trying to play god damn hero right now. I understood he was trying to help, but he was crossing a line.

"Your logic is a little twisted, it would be fine if I didn't care about you yet but it's a bit late for that." I said. "I didn't say it back, but I love you." I said, reaching to hold his cheek as I stared into his eyes. "But you can't ever try to protect me like that again, because all you're doing is the opposite." I explained.

"What do I do then?" he asked, I finally dropped my wall blocking his exit. He wasn't going anywhere anymore.

"Your job is really easy. Listen, stand by me, let me lean on you when I need and stay alive." I said, rubbing my thumb along his cheekbone. "If you promise to do that for me then I promise I'll do the same for you." I offered, he nodded.

"If that's the case I no longer like the 'you die, I die' line." He responded, I took a deep breath.

"Then what will our line be?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I think we can work that out later." He said, I nodded slowly. I guess we could, we had plenty of time, plenty of things to look forward to. "For now we could probably just stick with 'I love you'." He said.

"Simple, to the point."

"Ana..."

"I love you."

"And I love you."

I kissed him then, relief washing over my entire body as we kissed. This was a reassurance, locking in our words and our feelings and our future. Our future.

"I want you to move in with me." I said as we broke apart.

"So soon?" He asked with a small smile.

"We've already lost so much time, I don't want to waste anymore. I know what I want, I know it's not going to change." I said, his eyes shone as he nodded.

"And just to clarify, what you want..." He smirked as he spoke, he just wanted to hear me say it. I rolled my eyes.

"You. It will always be you. I will always come back to you, and if we are ever taken apart, I won't rest until you are back in my arms." I said, and I couldn't tell if he was about to cry or push me against the wall.

"We better get back into your apartment..." he whispered, I tilted my head to the side.

"Our apartment." I corrected him.

"Ana..." His voice was laced with want, and I knew I would never be able to deny him when he spoke my name like that. I didn't say anything else as I dragged him back to my apartment.

We were barely in the door as his hands started going wherever they could touch me as we kissed with such passion I wasn't sure if my heart would shatter.

I finally shut the door behind us and no one else in the world seemed to exist.