LOVE IS GONE - is this an end for us? (junkyu x reader)

89

junkyu has always been bad at expressing his true feelings through words.

his tendency to screw things up by saying the wrong words is always a huge possibility, and now he’s anxious because you’re here, so close to him yet still so far, and he’s never wanted to talk more in his entire life.

he had just turned on the ignition of the car and he wasn’t sure if he should turn the radio on or do anything else. on the outside, the boy looked calm and collected like this was a normal thing to do—for exes to be in the same car after not seeing each other for seven months—but he was an anxious mess inside. the phrase what should i do kept repeating inside his head and it was getting a little suffocating. should he roll down the windows or was it too cold for you?

“i—”

“please drive, junkyu,” you said before he could even start a conversation.

your voice wasn’t loud, but it was clear; perhaps too clear because right there and then he wanted to cry because he hasn’t heard your voice in so long. the last time he heard your voice was when he was scrolling through his computer, looking for a picture he took at chicago, and he “accidentally” binge-watched all of the videos you and him had together; that was two months ago. and you uttered his name, and it was almost like your voice was squeezing the air out of his lungs because he’s suddenly out of breath. he had hoped you were drunk enough to sleep the entire ride—speaking of which, he had to drive now before you grow impatient and leave.

the urge to strike a conversation was too strong on junkyu's side because he wanted to ask how you’ve been. hyunsuk assured him one day that you were doing all right, even though the boy never asked about you. the leader said he saw him once scrolling through your pictures on his phone and thought that maybe junkyu was wondering how you’ve been. junkyu wanted to ask why hyunsuk had to know things about you while he knew nothing.

junkyu knew about your dreams and everything you wanted; were you still working hard to reach them despite the odds? the boy was sure that you were because that’s what he loved most about you: your perseverance to be better and to reach your dreams. but in the span of seven months, he felt like he’s missed out so much. what if you no longer wanted to write a script for a film? have you changed your hobbies? were you finally watching more dramas? did you still like the things you used to talk to him about? junkyu wanted to know all of it and wanted to catch up on how life’s been treating you, but he knew he couldn’t do that anymore.

why did he have to lose you? why couldn’t he keep you? because he was sure he could’ve convinced you otherwise on the day you called it quits. he was your soft spot, and you agreed to anything he asked for; that’s how much you loved him. he shouldn't have said that; he should have asked why you suddenly weren’t happy anymore. he should have not given up on you.

he lived every day to be your tomorrow, and this may sound pathetic but when you were together, he felt like he had it all figured out. his family already adored you, so that wasn’t a problem anymore. the company is going to support him as long as he followed their rules. and the boy has already imagined what it’s like to wake up to your sleeping face every morning and to have children of his own with you. you were already a part of his future, as dramatic as that sounded. because you were the right person for him. he wanted to be your tomorrow.

but despite all the questions he wanted to be answered, he remained silent, because he knew he was going to screw up the conversation one way or another.

and so twenty-two minutes later, his car was in front of the building where you lived.

“thank you, junkyu,” you said with a small smile that was enough to melt his heart. “drive back safely.”

junkyu wanted to ask something, and before he could stop himself, he gently held your coat-covered forearm, stopping you from opening the door.

“where did we go wrong?”

“j-junkyu…” you trailed off. “i-i…”

“wait, no,” he quickly said, retreating his hand from your arm. “don’t answer it. because it will drive me even more insane. not knowing is much better.”

“j-junkyu,” you said. his heart is going to burst. you were looking at him but he was looking ahead as if he was waiting for you to leave. “you know it’s not you.”

he let out a bitter chuckle. “you already told me that. but why does it feel like it is?”

“it’s not,” you quickly denied. “it was never you who’s wrong in what we had. you were… are… perfect, junkyu. you’re everything any girl could ask for.”

“why, then?” he asked calmly, before looking back at you. it was only then that he realized how glossy yours and his eyes were. “why’d this happen? because it still hurts. i know it shouldn’t, and i’m sorry that i’m putting you in this place right now. i know you don’t like confrontations and you’ve probably moved on but it still kills me every day. no one knows but it still does. why couldn’t I keep you? you were the only thing i’ve ever wanted this badly after debuting. before, it was my career that i only wanted. you are the only thing i want, yet i can’t have you. i can’t keep you. this hurts, hwamin. this hurts so much because i can’t even bring myself to hate you despite this pain. it’s been so long. why does it still hurt?”

by the time he was done, you were already crying.

“i'm sorry,” was all you could say before leaving his car, leaving him. again.

junkyu knew he screwed up the last bit of chance on having you back in his life.