LOVE IS GONE - is this an end for us? (junkyu x reader)

92

junkyu pov

he did wait.

hwamin just didn’t know.

when hyunsuk had called him from the writing area, junkyu didn’t expect that the leader would tell him you called and asked if you could talk. junkyu got annoyed and told hyunsuk he shouldn’t be meddling with your nonexistent relationship and that he should stop playing cupid. hyunsuk swore that you really did call for him. jaehyuk also lazily came up to him after his nap and helped hyunusk force him to go to you. they told him things that made his chest tighten.

although uncertain, junkyu went to your building.

he decided he’d walk because that would give him enough time to ponder and think about the things he would tell you. more than anything else, he wanted to ask how you really were. he was certain that you weren’t telling people about how you really feel again, and his chest hurts at the thought of you bottling up all your stress and frustration. he hoped you had someone you could confide your struggles to, your members, because he’s fully aware of how difficult it is for you to cope with your emotions. and then he wondered, how lonely were you when you had broken up?

his memory let him jog to the things that hyunsuk and jaehyuk had told him earlier.

"i’m not in the position to tell you this but,” jaehyuk said, sighing before you spilling the rest. “she was hurting. when she left, you weren’t the only one hurting.”

“jae—”

“wait, junkyu, you need to listen,” hyunsuk interjected, urging jaehyuk to continue.

“she didn’t tell us much but we knew she was hurting. she loved you as much as you did and she always told us you did nothing wrong to her. and she really did want to hold onto you, junkyu. believe me, she did. but she felt underserving. inadequate. and i know you’re going to tell me you did everything to make her feel otherwise, but she couldn’t help it. she loved you, she really did. but she wanted to be better for you and it was hurting her that she couldn’t.”

“exactly,” junkyu replied. “i did everything to make her feel otherwise. i reminded her every day that i was okay with—”

“we all know that. she knows that herself. but that wasn’t the problem. this is where you got it all wrong, junkyu-ah,” jaehyuk sighed. “she was losing herself for you but your didn’t see that.”

earlier, he was a little annoyed at the older ones. he realized he was always annoyed and agitated whenever the members talked about you. maybe that’s why he didn’t realize sooner because he didn’t listen.

he could already see the entrance to your building when his heart throbbed in pain because he suddenly thought about the loneliness you eating you up. you said you didn't want to come home to him, did you? how long have you been sad? did you cry at night while he slept peacefully because he didn’t know your heart was in pain? he marveled at how strong you were and admired you most for that. he knew about your pain. but did he really understand what you might have been feeling when you were with him?

junkyu was entering your building with his fists clenched when he realized that perhaps he really did contribute to your pain. he was already at the elevator when the thought of himself entirely being the reason of your pain clouded his mind and made his heart pound even harder. when he was in front of the door separating the open rooftop from the inside of the building, he felt his heart burning in his chest.

you were losing yourself when you broke up with him. you were breaking yourself apart for him when you ended things. and he only ended things because even when when she had lost and broke herself, you still thought she weren’t enough for you.

the doorknob was centimeters away from his hand when tears pooled on his eyes. he dropped his hand on his side and stared at the door. he waited. you were there on the other side, waiting for him. but he waited.

he waited for his heart to him what to do. when he couldn’t hear anything, he waited for his mind. but none of his thoughts responded to him. the only thing he could hear was his regret of not seeing you break yourself for him.

and so he left and walked until his feet hurt.

he ignored hyunsuk's scolding when he revealed that he didn’t meet you. although the leader followed him to the room he shared with haruto, junkyu kept his crestfallen self from arguing back and explaining himself. hyunsuk noticed that he wasn’t fighting back, so he sat on junkyu's side while the taller one was lying on his back and staying at the ceiling with sad eyes.

“ya,” the older one called out, softly this time, holding junkyu's arm. “what happened?”

“i… i was hurting her,” junkyu responded, still staring at the ceiling. “i didn’t know i was causing her all the pain. when i kept repeating to her that i liked the way she is, that she’s enough, i was hurting her. every day, she was working hard at her job while she studied even harder to be better. but i kept telling her she shouldn’t because I already love her the way she is. i didn’t help her become better.”

“junkyu…”

“hyung, it was my fault after all,” junkyu whispered, letting his tears fall on the sides of his face to his pillow. “she wanted to be better. i was holding her back.”

“junkyu,” hyunsuk sighed. “she’d disagree if she’d hear you say that. you weren’t holding her back. why didn’t you talk to her?”

“i can’t keep hurting her,” the other answered, eyes never leaving the ceiling. he didn’t even bother wiping his tears, so hyunsuk did that for him. “even now that we’re no longer together, i'm still hurting her. i can’t keep doing this to her.”

“you should have talked to her,” the leader said. “she was going to tell you everything.”

“and then what?” junkyu asked. “i’ll ask her to take me back and let her further break herself for me?”

“no, junkyu,” hyunsuk replied. “please just talk to her. you’ll both figure it out.”

junkyu finally looked at him. “how do you know that?”

“because you always have,” hyunsuk answered. “remember in the beginning of your relationship, you had to hide it from everyone else? but you figured it out. when we started touring, you kept telling me it was difficult, didn’t you? but you figured it out. when she went abroad back to visit her family during breaks, you were both so blue. but you figured it out. remember the time you were whining about the CEO scolding you when you broke the news that you’re dating her again? you were so scared and you didn’t know what to do to convince him to let you date. he prohibited you again. but you figured it out.”

“and if neither of us figure this one out?”

hyunsuk smiled. “that’s when you let the universe figure it out for you.”