Flutter |h.s|

27

Grace

We got back to the hotel a little after 6pm. We called the Uber at around 5:30 so that we could all have enough time before dinner. Our reservation is for 8pm so we'll have plenty of time to all get ready.

I sit on the couch, looking through all the pictures I took today. Most of them are of Harry but he's the first thing my camera finds now. He's just so attractive and such a nice person. He's really come to be my best friend during this trip.

It was weird opening up to him about my family, but I felt so safe doing it. I knew he wouldn't judge me for my past or look at me differently because of it. I don't want his pity, I've had enough pity in my life because of my childhood. I just want to be happy and not think about my past.

Hearing about Harry's family was nice though. As weird as it is to hear about nice families, I love to pretend that I grew up with one of those kinds of families. Ones full of love and caring parents.

His mom and sister sound sweet. Especially his mom. She did an amazing job raising him. I love the way he says mom. Mum. It's so cute and British. I could listen to him talk about them for hours. He has so much love in his heart for them and it's so beautiful.

The way he feels about them is how I feel about Eli. Elias is the most important man in my life, and if anything were to happen to him, I wouldn't survive it. I mean, he could have the flu and I'd be checking on him every few hours to make sure he's doing okay.

I know the way I was raised is part of the reason I'm having so many issues with love. Your parents are supposed to be the people who love you unconditionally. And yet my parents made sure to dangle the fact that I was never supposed to be born over my head any chance they could.

It made me sad a lot in the beginning. I would do anything I could to get them to at least tell me I wasn't a complete disappointment. But nothing I did was good enough for them. They made me question my whole life and if I was the problem all along. It was a lot for a child to go through.

I missed out on my whole life because of them. Elias tried his best to make up for their shortcomings, but he was going through the same thing I was. And there's only so much a seven year old could do to make his little sister happy.

I was never taught what unconditional love was. I never got bedtime stories. I could never run to my parents when I had a bad dream. I had to take care of myself from such a young age.

Maybe that's why I idealized my relationship with Jesse. He was this guy with the perfect family who wanted to be with me. A screwed up mess. I wanted him to sweep me off my feet and give me this beautiful life and family I never had before. He was my one chance at being happy. And honestly, when my parents said they liked him, it was the first time I did something good in their eyes.

It was the first time I wasn't a disappointment to them.

So when Jesse broke up with me, I felt like I just was impossible to love. Not even my parents wanted me. It was easier for me to be the one to say no more dating. It was my choice to give up on love.

And then Harry came along.

Gentle, sweet, patient Harry. He's unlike any man I've ever met before. Besides Eli of course. I don't think I would ever be able to find another man like him. Someone who's so... beautiful. And not just his looks, everything about him. He's such a beautiful person.

I smile, looking at a picture of him I took while he wasn't looking. He knew I was there though, so there's a slight smile on his face.

Holly's in the room getting ready for dinner, but I'm already ready since I took a shower first. Elias is in the shower now and Harry's still waiting to go in. He's been holed up in their room since we got here though.