Flutter |h.s|

74

Grace

My eyes won't close. I've been laying in bed with Harry for over an hour now, not able to shut my brain off. He fell asleep pretty quickly, which I'm pretty jealous of. I'd give anything to be asleep right now.

I keep telling myself his mom hates me. My brain is just looking for everything I did wrong today or what could have turned them off from me. I would have thought this would happen the day we facetimed for the first time, but now that we've met in person, it's like I can't stop the bad thoughts.

Everyone keeps saying she loved me, even Anne herself. Harry was beaming the whole day because he was so happy to see us all together. But for some reason, it's just not an option in my brain that today was a good day. So now I'm just laying in bed, counting as far as I can go to try boring myself to sleep and listening to Harry's breathing.

Maybe if I go to the bathroom and pee I'll feel better.

I carefully remove myself from Harry's grip, not wanting to alarm him, and quietly make my way to the en suite bathroom. I close the door before turning on the light, not wanting it to wake him up. Going over to the toilet, I pull down my shorts and underwear and sit down.

A few minutes pass. Nothing.

Maybe I can just sit here then. Then again, I should've brought my phone. Now I'm alone in here with my thoughts. Not so fun.

Instead of putting myself through the torture of spiraling even more, I get up, pulling my shorts back up and going over to the sink. I just wash my hands, needing to keep myself busy. If I'm busy, there's less of a chance I'll think.

Back in the room again, I climb into bed carefully. I cuddle into Harry's side again, trying to get comfortable, but that seems impossible. I don't want to wake him up, but it seems like an inevitability at this point.

Finally, I find a spot that feels okay to lay in. It's not the most comfortable but it's fine.

Now brain, shut off. Go to sleep.

My eyes close and I let out a sigh, trying to just relax. Maybe I should take up mediation or something to learn how to shut my brain off. I hate the way this feels right now.

I try out some affirmations, telling myself I'm light and I'm enough or whatever bullshit comes to my head. Only, right after I tell myself an affirmation, the phrase 'yeah right' or 'as if' will pop into my head. Something tells me those invalidate whatever powers affirmations have. I'll have to ask Holly about that, she'd know.

His mom had to be putting on an act around me. I mean, she and Gemma hung out with Holly and Elias the whole time. Looking back at the night, I was clung onto Harry the whole night. Maybe they think I'm too clingy for him. I can admit I've been a level five clinger around him lately.

I sigh, opening my eyes and sitting up in bed again. I look down at Harry, asleep in the moonlight. I have no idea what he sees in me.

He could do so much better. He could have a girl who's completely emotionally available and who will get along perfectly fine with his mom and sister. Someone who isn't so damaged and hurt. My boyfriend shouldn't have to pay for my therapist.

Getting out of bed again, I walk over to the window. There's a little bench in front of it for me to sit on. I pull my legs up to my chest, looking out at the view of London. It's beautiful in it's own way. Every country was. I could always find little things to admire about each view we saw.

His mom was talking about marriage and babies too much. I think she was trying to turn me off from being with him. Harry told her about how my childhood wasn't the greatest and I would think the last thing you should tell a person with pretty bad issues with parents is that they should be a parent. And yet she kept bringing it up. That backfired on her since I've been thinking about marriage and babies for a while now, especially when it's marrying Harry and having his babies.