Longevity ~ DNF

~25~

A few days had passed by and school went on like normal. With the weekend quickly passing by and the holidays coming up I was excited for break. We had school off on Wednesday- Friday since Thanksgiving was on a Thursday. This was never a holiday I celebrated but my Mom insisted that we do so. I guess she wanted to take place in an American tradition.

My life was definitely new this week. I pretty much have a boyfriend now even though I don't want to be his. With the realization of my feelings for Clay moving on just seems so stupid. I didn't want to put Delem through that and it wouldn't be fair to him. He was a great guy and he would make someone really happy, but it wouldn't be me.

I just didn't know how to lay it on him that I couldn't do this anymore. At one point I really did want to try. I thought he could be my person for the rest of high school. But the fact that's all I wanted him for, was a big sign that I wasn't in this for the long haul. And I wasn't in it for him, I was in it to get over my own feelings that didn't have anything to do with him.

So here I was sitting in my room with Delem trying to tell him I couldn't do this with him. Spending a week with him where we kissed and had a relationship just proved to me that I didn't want this.

Their wasn't a spark with him. He didn't give me butterflies like Clay did. I didn't feel so free with him. I just felt like me. And I don't think that's how this works. I believe I'm supposed to be falling crazy in love with him but that wasn't happening. Maybe I was a hopeless romantic but this didn't feel right. This didn't feel like him.

"George? George!" Delem called shaking my arm to pull me from my thoughts. I hum at him letting him know he had my attention. "You were zoning out man. Are you okay?" He smiled.

I knew I wasn't really ready for this. I felt guilty knowing that I had been leading him on. That I never really felt like this could be it. I wasn't crazy about him. I wouldn't write a love song about him. He wasn't the person who could make me calm by just his voice.

"Hey can I talk to you about something?" I whisper. He nods his head giving me a curious look.

"Ya sure what's up?" He questions a smile falling onto his lips. His blue eyes starring deep into mine making me look down. He chuckled but didn't comment on it.

"So um... shit this is hard." I sigh taking a deep breath. "I can't do this. I mean us in a relationship." He gives me a soft smile but I could see all the pain and sorrow that filled his eyes that didn't meet mine anymore.

"I just can't do it. I thought I liked you but I don't. You're an amazing guy. You were there for me when I needed you and I really wanted us at one point, but now I know I don't." I mumble feeling like shit for doing this to him. At least I didn't do it over text like my last boyfriend. We don't need to talk about him though.

"Oh... that's ok I guess. I'm glad you told me before I went off and fell in love with you." He sighed but I felt like that was a lie. That just made me feel even worse. That he was falling in love with me.

"Sorry I just deal with stuff like this by joking. I apologize it's not a really great coping mechanism." He rambled seemingly embarrassed. "Can I just ask you one thing?" I nod my head letting him ask.

"Is their someone else?" He whispers playing with his finger nails. 

"Kind of. I just think you were there at all the right times. You made me feel something other than shit and I used you. I didn't know I was doing this till a few days ago and I just got the guts to tell you. But I didn't want to lead you on. It wouldn't be fair to you or me." I explain giving him a soft smile.