Longevity ~ DNF

~27~

As I laid in the dark unable to sleep I couldn't help but feel alone. Feel so lost in my own head. He just left me like that. He didn't even let me speak. He just assumed he knew me, knew what I felt. It's not my fault I can't explain how I feel. Show him that I do love him. It's hard to open up to someone like that. And it wasn't fair that he didn't give me the chance or the time to say it.

To tell him that I did want him with everything I had.

I couldn't do that though. He wouldn't believe me. It's to late to go and tell him. He already made up in his mind that I don't care. When that's far from the truth. I really do care. More than I can admit.

It was nearing midnight and since I ran upstairs close to 6, I've been stuck for the past 6 hours. Trying to figure out what I'm going to do. It's like when you know how to solve a puzzle. You have all the right pieces and they all fit. But when the puzzle is all put together it doesn't make sense.

All the solutions I came up with ended up seeming so wrong. That nothing could get him to see the real picture. The big gigantic flag that screamed 'I LOVE YOU'. Even the perfect plan I had wouldn't do anything for me.

So I sat hopelessly trying to feel safe again. To feel like I belong somewhere. I just lost my safety blanket. The electricity in my life. Without him my life would go gray. All the color draining from my life, creating such a lifeless view. I was never seen by anyone except him.

Even when he used to treat me with no respect I still had electricity from him. Maybe not in a good way but he was always effecting my life even if the results ended up hurting me. In the end I'm stronger than before him.

But when I say 'electricity' I'm referring to the feeling I had every time Dream spoke to me on call. The soft touch of his rough hands even though it was always small and short and felt so so far away, it made me feel like I was on fire. I desired that feeling every second, but now their isn't a chance for it anymore.

All because one night almost two week ago I couldn't say that I loved him. That I couldn't figure out my fucking feelings in time. That I felt like admitting it would end up with me heartbroken and falling apart. I was scared, scratch that I am scared. Scared that he'd leave.

Find someone else that made him feel more than I ever could. Or I wasn't enough for him to stick around. Scared that he didn't actually love me. That he would just use me.

And he easily could go around and do that to me. Take away a major part of my heart. I knew that no matter what happened he was going to hurt me. And it seems he already did...

I know I should of spoken up. But when you're in the moment and you came in with the confidence and want to tell him how you feel and you get shut down, it's hard.

I mean I was this close to climbing the wall. Yelling to the whole world I loved him. But he had to push me off. Leaving me confused and in the dark. Not to mention how much pain he left me in.

I just couldn't get myself to sleep. I've been thinking for so long now of all the things that could happen. But this was it. This was how we ended.

No more stupid video recordings. No more late night calls as we talked about the stupidest things in existence. No more sharing deep dark secrets that only he knew outside of your family.

No more butterflies

No more flutters

No more loving

No more of us

I hated how I've lost him. He isn't leaving and we would still see each other in school and every once in a while in the YouTube community.