Longevity ~ DNF

~12~

I woke up around noon the next day after waking up every few hours I finally got enough energy to get out of bed.

Mom had woken me up for school just in case I felt like going but I rejected, not wanting to deal with all the drama I know would come with the day.

When I got out of bed I took a nice hot shower trying to make my mood better today. Nothing could be as bad as yesterday though. I don't even know how I made it through the day.

After a panic attack, a few break downs, and a river worth of tears I was mentally exhausted. Not to mention the whole thing with Dream.

I couldn't figure out how he felt. He called me beautiful and seemed really genuine, but he also left really abruptly and that was making me go crazy.

What if he thought I was ugly? What if it was about my past? What if he was just done with me.

If he thought I looked ugly and didn't care about me more than a friend it would suck. But I'd prefer that over him being hateful of my past. I trusted him with that and having him appreciate me less about it would kill me.

I trusted him more than any of my friends other than Wilbur. Dream could read me like a book and make my day instantly better. If I didn't have him these past two months I couldn't handle it all. I would of been in a worse place then now and I couldn't handle that. I could never lose him.

Two months of knowing him was worth years to me. We acted like we have been friends since we were 5. I didn't have that type of relationship with any of my other friends. Even Wilbur.

We were different. The environment was so addicting so desirable. It didn't feel like it did with Wilbur or Bad or Karl. I couldn't get enough of him and I felt like he was the exact same. Like he couldn't get enough of me.

But maybe I was reading it all wrong. Maybe he didn't want me as anything anymore. Maybe he never did. Maybe I was always used for my YouTube account. I know that doesn't make sense but I couldn't stop thinking it. 

What if he was just using me??

I stepped out of the shower drying off my wet body and hair. Throwing on a new sweatshirt and some shorts. I brushed my teeth wondering where I got the energy from.

I always thought that saying anything about the whole Clay thing would fuck me over. Don't get me wrong it is and will, but maybe it's not all bad.

I feel like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I always thought that Clay would destroy me even further if I told. Make my life a living hell. But now that people know can he really touch me? I mean ya he used to do it all the time when I was alone, but now, people know.

Karl, Sapnap, Bad, and everyone else wouldn't let him. For once I didn't feel so alone. A lot of stuff is going to get worse. I'm going to be known as the kid who had a panic attack and cried his eyes out during school. But maybe I'll be okay with that. Maybe I'll get by. Only 7 more months. In the grand scheme of things that's not a lot.

I have people who care and isn't that all I need?

Well I don't know if Dream cares anymore. I need to talk to him again. I deserve an explanation. I mean who just leaves after you pour your heart out to them?  I mean I was being truthful with him for once about my life and he acted like he didn't care. Maybe he didn't but I deserve to know if he really doesn't.

I made my way back into my room pulling up Minecraft and discord. It was a habit now and I should of of known no one would be on. School still had three more hours before anyone would  be home.

My own time was good though. Maybe I could do something for my channel or something. I still have a video that needed editing.

Me and Dream were doing a Manhunt. He had to try and kill me before I beat the game. Let's just say I didn't do to good. The amount of skill he has is crazy. He is a god at it and I barely even compare to his ability.