The New Fosters: A Brallie Story

Chapter 60

A/N: this chapter may be triggering for some people because it is dealing with self harm. If that is the case, I will put ***** where that part is done if you decide not to read that part of this chapter.

Callie's POV:
*3 months later*

Wedding planning was proving to be much more difficult that I thought it would be. We picked the dress, flowers (white daisies), the flavor of cake (red velvet with cream cheese frosting), date (December 5), and the venues for the ceremony and the reception (at this tiny little church that has a reception hall in the back.). I was so excited that I basically had everything all planned out, but then I realized there wasn't much else for me to do and I was alone with my thoughts with nothing to keep me busy.

I tried calling Brandon a few times but he didn't answer. I was alone. And being alone for me was dangerous. Being alone with only my thoughts to give me company was a very bad thing, that led to other bad things.

I shook the thoughts from my head the best I could and went to get ready for the day. An hour later I was sitting on the floor of my room with absolutely nothing to do. I watched movie after movie, searched online for some new clothes and a camera. I was bored out of my mind and being bored opened the dangerous door to my thoughts.

I was happy with Brandon and even though I worried about and missed him, I knew that he was just at boot camp and fairly safe. But I still wasn't a happy person. I would never be the person that I pretended to be, no matter how many good things happened to me. I was scarred, mentally and physically. I would never work right. I was too damaged. Being alone with the door to my thoughts open, was probably scarier for me than having someone point a gun at my head.

For years, the only thing keeping me alive was Jude and the need to protect him. If it wasn't for him, it was more than likely that I would have killed myself. But my love for him didn't stop me hurting myself or my self hatred. It didn't stop me from locking the bathroom door and cutting my wrists and thighs until blood spilled out on the white tiled floor. It didn't stop me from looking in the mirror and hating the girl that stared back at me. It didn't stop me from thinking I deserved the beatings and the bad things that had happened to me. My love for my little brother didn't stop any of it and neither did my love for Brandon or the Fosters or the Armstrongs. It was always there, even now. Even after I was so close to my happy ending. I still didn't believe that I was good enough for or deserve my happy ending.

The self loathing would always be there, I was sure of it. I knew that I would have to keep living with it for the rest of my life. Sitting on my bedroom floor, bathing in my lack of self worth, a thought crossed my mind. It was a thought I hadn't had in quite a long time. I had this thought in the midst of the other awful thoughts running through my head. "You're worthless." They said. "You deserve all that you have gotten." "You don't deserve the Fosters or the Armstrongs." "Brandon deserves better than you." "Jude deserves a better sister than you." "You can't keep him safe." "You're useless." "You're never going to amount to anything." "Why are you even still here." "I hate you." "They will leave you." "They always leave you."

Somehow I had made my way in the bathroom I shared with Ty. I stared at myself in the mirror. "Stop." I cried. "You're worthless." My thoughts shot back. The thought that I hadn't thought in a what felt like forever compared to the frequency of that thought a year or two before. Before I knew what I had even done, my brand new razor was demolished and in pieces in the sink while the sharp razor blades were in my palm.