HER WAY

Another Day: Day 49

Dear Journal,

It's not that I don't want to be who I am; it's simply that the prospect of being who I am forever scares me. It frightens me that I can never be rid of the skin I'm in and step outside of it, leaving the remains behind. For a brief moment, I'd like to experience what it's like to look in the mirror and see someone else. I know. I'm destroying everyone and everything I've ever cared about. Everything is visible to me. All of the disasters and mayhem are visible to me. How did I end up here if all I wanted was to be loved? Maybe I'm afraid of happiness. Happiness does not feel merited when it is within my grasp. I construct a home for myself out of suffering. I'm wondering how long it will take me to learn that things don't have to be this way.

It was supposed to be one of the most memorable days of her life. She was certain she'd found the dress. The ultimate gown. It was just stunning. He'd assure her, "We're meant to be." However, she still required reassurance. She wasn't ready to trust him to catch her as she jumped from a 20-story building. She was frightened he wouldn't be able to hold her in his hands. Fear. It's scary.

"You look beautiful," One of the consultants said.

"Thank you," Remi responded. This time she was alone. She didn't want anyone near her and she didn't want anyone to see her. Tears streamed down her face. She clutched onto the dress and sobbed. She wasn't sure why she was crying but it felt good to cry. Suddenly, she felt a sharp pain in her stomach. She slowly stopped crying as she felt the blood trickle down her legs. She fell to her knees, emotionless. Another wedding dress consultant came to her and said, "Is this the dress?"

"I need to be taken to a hospital," Remi gulped.

"W-why?" The consultant stammered.

"I'm... having a miscarriage."