Long X Lost X Friends (A Killugon Story)

XXVIII - 信じ✖️るよ？

"Trust✖️You?"

Date: February 19, 2003. 12:32 AM.

Gon's POV:
"You can't hate on yourself, the person who you should hate on is me." is what Killua said.

That was going on in my head. Am I really gonna trust him again?

'No, no, no... I can't! He's just gonna do the same thing to me again!'

'Ugh, no, wait, what if he actually changed?'

My anxiety was up to an all-time high tonight. I don't know if I should trust him or not... I don't know anymore. I attempt to fall asleep, and it worked.

I had a nightmare about getting abused by Killua. I don't even get nightmares of the rape, just Killua's abusiveness to me. I took every word, and stuck it to my brain. Every slap, every punch, every slur, everything, stuck in my brain, probably forever.

I woke up at around 3:30 AM from my nightmare. I just cried for the next couple of hours to comprehend what happened in my dream. I used to have Killua comforting me during my nightmares, but I'm by myself right now...

I really don't know what I'm gonna do. I really don't wanna be here anymore, but I don't want to make Killua's life a living hell again, even though he ruined mine.

Even though it's 3:30 in the morning, I hear knocks on the door. Dammit, I guess it's time to face Killua.

"come in." I said loudly enough for Killua to hear.

"Gon... I honestly don't know how to explain how sorry I am. I know abusing you may be unforgivable, but please... I really don't want to lose you. I really miss talking to you, I miss your love, don't you miss mine?"

"yeah, i guess... i'll think about forgiving you. your actions may have been unforgivable, and you screwed up. maybe a little more than the regular person." I chuckle a little after the end of that sentence. "you know, if you want to help me, you can probably. i'll reconsider our relationship later on."

"Gon. Thank you. We're finally on okay terms. I will help you. I will do anything it takes. I will not mess up anymore. This guilt was killing me inside, but you're probably hurting more than I am... A huge weight off of my shoulders."

"i am probably hurting more than you. it hurts, killua. it fucking hurts. i might not get over it, maybe forever, but i don't want you to drown in guilt anymore. no matter what you did to me, i don't want you to live in suffering. i still care about you."

"I don't want to see you bottling up your feelings. You can tell me anything. Cry in my shoulder, I don't mind."

"come here, it looks like you need a hug."

He comes over and wraps around his arms around my body.

"Thank you, and I'm so sorry..."

"don't mind about it. let's just try to move forward. i'll try to move forward too, just maybe a lot slower."

"Fine by me, you need to take your time."

"so, why are you up this late?" I was curious.

"I couldn't really sleep with this huge amount of guilt. How about you, why are you up?"

"i woke up from a nightmare. i think you know what it is about."

He nods.

"Want me to stay with you tonight?"

"alright."

I was still unsure about this, but he wouldn't hurt me again. right? Right???

I'll take my time to make sure that Killua is actually trustworthy. Will it take weeks? months? even years? It doesn't matter. He wants me to take my time, and I probably will.