Love breaks chains - English version

Chapter eleven

Do you know the feeling when you think time stands still? When everything around you falls silent? The world no longer turns?

That's exactly how I feel right now. Magnu's lips are on mine. They are soft and warm, gossamer, almost as light as a feather. My heart is beating up to my throat, I have goose bumps all over my body and my scalp is tingling. I feel a symbiosis between our bodies. My lips move in unison with his as if of their own accord.

Magnus' hand strokes my arm, moves slowly over my shoulder, stops at the nape of my neck. His thumb strokes my skin. I sigh softly as I feel a slight pressure on the back of my neck. Shortly after, Magnus intensifies our kiss. My barriers fall, a wall several feet high builds around my instinct to flee. I want this. I want to feel his lips and so much more.

With eyes closed, mind free and heart open, I surrender to this new but wonderful feeling. I kiss a man who is a stranger to me. And it feels anything but wrong. It feels right. His tongue nudges against my upper lip. I've forgotten what I need to do.
Magnus notices my hesitation. He squeezes my hand lightly, we still have our fingers intertwined.

The tip of his tongue pushes between my lips, parting them, and I remember what I have to do. I grant Magnus access, his tongue finds mine and I swear I've never been happier than at this moment. My body quivers and a wave of happiness flows through it. I taste mint and Magnus, that is indescribable. My head shuts down completely, sending my mind and doubts on vacation.

He releases his hand from mine, slowly slides it under the hem of my shirt. His hand strokes my stomach and down my side. I enjoy this touch. Groping, the tips of his fingers explore my skin. My tongue teases his, our kiss becomes more heated, I stretch my body towards him, wanting to feel more of this breathtaking sensation. Every muscle in my body is tense, I moan as his thumb taps against my nipple. In circular motions he brings the blood in my veins to boil.

Suddenly he stops, his hand no longer strokes my breast, his lips no longer move. Abruptly he detaches himself from me, I breathe heavily. I am confused. Have I done something wrong? What has happened? What have I done? Magnus looks at me and his gaze makes me swallow hard. It was a mistake. It's not right. Confusion, uncertainty, fear, shame. All of the feelings come crashing down on me at once. Embarrassed, I look to the side, Magnus moving away from me a bit, the blanket slipping off my legs. Immediately the cold settles over me again.

"I'm sorry Alec." Why is he apologizing? I'm unsettled.
"You're a really good kisser. I really liked it, but..." What's wrong?
"...I'm a little confused. There's someone else. And I suddenly thought of him." What? Someone else? And he's kissing me? Did I mishear what he said?
"Oh", I bring out disappointedly and stand up. Magnus holds me by the wrist, I look down at his hand and the place where he touches me starts to burn. The warmth of his skin eats through mine, putting a glowing red ribbon around us. It felt so right and good. All fears and doubts were blown away. This is a whole new feeling for me.

Normally I am shy and insecure, hardly get a word out and start sweating as soon as another man even looks at me. But just now it was different. I enjoyed every single second of this kiss. And also the touch of his skin on my body. I usually only feel this way with Copperfield.

"Do you have a boyfriend?", I hear myself ask softly. Magnus shakes his head.
"No. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't know what it is between us yet." He's still holding my wrist, his grip tight. He doesn't want me to leave. But he doesn't want me either. What does he want? Why does he kiss me and then talk about another man? The wall around my flight instinct shatters into a thousand pieces. I have to get out of here. I quickly release his grip and turn away from him.

"Alec, don't get me wrong. You are attractive. Oh I really like you a lot. And under any other circumstances, I would have pulled you into Clary's guest room by now." This is all crazy. For once in my life I'm opening up, not afraid of doing something wrong. For once in my life, my thoughts are still, the clouds above my head are not black but bright white. And then I experience such disappointment.

"Will you give me your number? I'd like to see you again." I think I misheard.
"What?", I ask.
"Your number?" So I didn't mishear. Why does he want my number? To keep an option open if things don't work out with the other guy? No. I'm not. I'm not an option. I want a man who loves me for me, not because no one else was available at the moment.
"I'm leaving now. Bye Magnus", I say and walk quickly across the porch and disappear inside the house.

Determined, I make my way to the small guest bathroom downstairs, hoping it's not occupied at the moment. Of course I have no luck. So I go to the kitchen, get a bottle of vodka from the fridge and take the stairs to the second floor. The guest room upstairs is always prepared for me in case I spontaneously decide not to go home. The door slams quietly into the lock, I turn the key and lock out the music and voices. This room is all too familiar. It used to belong to Jace. This was his kingdom. A bed, a closet, a desk with a chair. Shelves on the wall and posters of movie heroes and rock stars. Our favorite band blared loudly from the speakers and we talked for hours. And soon this room will be returned to its original purpose.

Sighing, I drop onto the bed, briefly close my eyes and take a deep breath in and out again. The vodka burns in my throat. I almost never drink, but right now I welcome the cold burning liquid that spreads warmth throughout my body. I think about Magnus and what the whole thing must have meant. I lack experience, and knowledge of human nature is not exactly my strong suit to understand his actions. My phone vibrates, I look at the display and my mood changes abruptly. The dark clouds disappear, I smile and my heart beats faster as usual.

A dose of adrenaline floods my veins. I feel the exciting tingle as I open the message from my stranger.

Copperfield
Hello my handsome. How are you? I was just thinking about you and wondering if you were feeling the same way. Copp

It's the first time he's written Copp. Not Copperfield.

RobinHood
Hello Copp. Tell me something. Distract me. RobinHood

Copperfield
What's wrong my pretty? You sound sad.

Should I tell him about Magnus? Then I'd have to tell him the truth about my nature, too. I'd have to tell him about Alec. The shy boy with the long legs and always a red head. No. I don't want to do that. He doesn't know this side of me and I want to keep it that way.