Love breaks chains - English version

Chapter twenty-six

"Alexander, aren't you feeling well? You're all pale", Magnus says and slowly approaches me. I stare at him with tears in my eyes and I feel sick.
"Alexander?", asks Magnus worriedly. I put my hands on my knees and try to breathe calmly. A thousand thoughts race through my head, giving no rest and forming more questions. I'm confused. So utterly confused.

I feel his hand on my shoulder. The place where he touches me immediately starts to tingle. It spreads and forms into a solid lump in my stomach. My heart hammers against my chest and it almost hurts.

Magnus wraps his arms around my body and I hear a voice in my head whispering softly. More and more tears leave my eyes and I feel so shitty. The voice whispers words and I whimper softly through tears.

'Think of me.'

I do. But why right now?

'I wish I could see you.'

My own cowardice has prevented me from doing so. And if I'm honest with myself, I wished I could, too.

'I have feelings for you.'

I have feelings for you, too.

But I also have feelings for Magnus.

I can't get either man out of my head. What is it? What are these two men doing to me?
"I'm sorry", whispers Magnus, gently stroking my hair.
"What are you talking about?", I reply through my tears.
"You obviously regret it. I... am sorry. We weren't even on a date. And I'm about to drag you into your bedroom."

I straighten up heavily, Magnus holding me by the upper arms, and silently we look into each other's eyes. A haze of tears covers the sparkle and his lips tremble.
"I should go", He breathes and presses his lips hard against mine. I close my eyes and soak in the feel of his lips on mine. They taste sweet with a hint of spiciness from mint and lots of pain.

When Magnus pulls away from me, I'm still rooted to the spot, staring out the window. The snow falls to the ground in thick flakes and I remember the flakes in Magnus' hair and how Copp doesn't like winter.

"I wanted it", I say hastily.
"In all my life, I've never been so sure of anything. I wanted to kiss you and feel you. And I wanted to make love to you. This of all things confuses me. I'm not like that. It's not like me at all." I ruffle my hair and walk frantically around the apartment. I need to sort out my thoughts, but the words just bubble out of me.

"You were honest with me from the beginning. You told me there was another man. And that hurt me a lot. But I wasn't honest with you. Because there is another man in my life too. Oh what am I talking about. There was another man. I hurt him and pushed him away. He is a kind-hearted person and doesn't deserve to be treated like that. But I was simply afraid. Of the fact that he recognizes that I am in truth not the one for which he holds me. Because I am not. I am exactly the opposite. He knows me as an eloquent young man. But in truth, I am as mute as a fish and get gasps when another man even looks at me. And then you came along and messed it all up."

I turn to Magnus and I wonder where this confidence comes from.
"From the moment I first saw you, I desired you. And I was running away from myself. But you came to me and for the first time in my life I was sure I desired a man so much that I was willing to put my insecurities, all my doubts and fears into a boat and send them far away across the ocean.
Or this. This moment. I can talk to you. And I wonder why. Where did this come from so suddenly. And would it have been the same with Copperfield, perhaps? Would I have been the same with him as I am with you? You awaken feelings and emotions in me that I don't know. Tonight was incredible. It was hot and erotic. I felt good. Comfortable and safe. I'm 26 years old and I've only had sex with a man twice."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Magnus. He looks at me and something in his expression changes. But I can't tell what it is.

"I feel bad for another man. Because I gave you what he wanted for so long. And if I'm honest, I wished for that too. But I also wanted you. And that confuses me. I'm confused and I can't think a clear thought right now. I desire both of you. And one of you, I only know from pictures. I don't even know what he looks like. I only know his body. And I feel bad for you. I haven't been honest. And I'm sorry for that."

In my torrent of words, I didn't notice that Magnus was coming closer and closer to me. He is standing very close to me and our naked torsos are touching each other gauzily. My heart begins to beat faster and Magnus looks at me urgently. I feel the warmth of his skin and swallow hard. His gaze is different. Soft and gentle. He has tears in his eyes and blinking makes them dissolve.

His thumb strokes my lower lip and his next words rip the ground from under my feet.
"My handsome." How does he know about that name? Only one calls me that. My handsome stranger. My Copperfield.