Love breaks chains - English version

Chapter seventeen

"Alec," Magnus says in a raspy voice. He sounds surprised. He probably didn't expect to meet me here. After all, I didn't myself.
"Hello." My voice is so soft. It can barely be heard. The colour of his eyes is even more beautiful in the light of day than in the dark of night. And his hair seems different too. Softer. The snow glistens and contrasts beautifully with the deep black.
"What are you doing here?" he asks me. Isn't it obvious? I run. The words form in my head and also form coherent sentences. But they don't leave my head. It's frustrating and annoying. I can think it, I can write it. But I can't say it.

"I'm walking," I answer his question quietly and hesitantly. My hands are still on his upper arms and I can feel the contours of the muscles under the fabric. It makes me nervous. He makes me nervous. A faint smile plays around his mouth. Heat gathers in my head. The colour of my skin changes from white to pink, then stops at red. My heart beats to a stop, I feel the pounding all the way to my throat. My breathing is rapid, it's clearly not from running. Embarrassed, I avert my eyes, see that my hands are still around Magnu's arms. I break away from him and Magnus hastily grabs my wrist. It is the same as last night. The glowing hot band wraps around us again, connecting our bodies together.

"Don't run away," he says pleadingly. My gaze on his hand, still clutching my wrist. His grip is firm. He turns towards me, the grip loosens. But Magnus does not let go of me. His hand slides over the back of my hand, I feel the warmth and softness of his skin. It triggers a tingling inside me. My whole body tenses automatically. A million questions fly through my head. It is just too much. His hand clasps mine. He draws little circles with his thumb and I swallow hard. I watch his every move and am on the verge of hyperventilating. It's been a long time since anyone has come this close to me. And it's been a long time since I've even allowed this much closeness. My whole body screams escape. But my legs just won't move.

"I wanted to apologise," he says. Still I look at our hands.
"Clary called me. At least I thought she did. Jace was on the other end, though." Panic overtaking me, I draw in a sharp breath. What did Jace tell him?
"You were talking about us." Is he blaming me now? My panic turns to anger. What is this becoming? I pull away from his hand. He tries to stop it, but can't. A feeling of emptiness overtakes me, almost pulls me to the ground. It is strange.
"There's nothing wrong with that. That's not what I meant to say. He's your best friend. Of course you talk to him." I wonder what Magnus wants from me.

"Jace was clear. He doesn't want me to fuck with you. Otherwise he'll find me. And I can do without that. He's cute, but he's also incredibly strong." I nod in acknowledgement.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you. Honesty is important to me. I'm not hiding. This is who I am, Magnus. I say what I think and often it's not appropriate to the situation. It's not fair to kiss you, to feel your body and think of another man. It's a bit like cheating. At least in my eyes. And I'm not a cheater." I'm so overwhelmed by all of this. I have no idea what he wants from me. What is he trying to tell me? I don't understand.
"I have to go," I say and turn to walk back to my flat.
"Please Alec listen to me." Magnus grabs my arm, holding me close. He's so close to me, I can feel his chest lightly against mine. The quiet rise and fall and smell the scent of last night. I like it.

"Still, I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about our kiss. Because I don't. But I want to be honest. You're not the only man I'm thinking about." There it is again. That feeling of being an option. A kiss and a blowjob in a dark alley and never another word after that. Until the day life puts him in his place and the other man loses interest. Then I'm an option again. I'd like to know who the other man is. Is he tall or short? Blond or dark haired? Is he smart and funny? Does he laugh a lot and is cheerful? Or is he the thoughtful introverted type? But knowing wouldn't get me anywhere. No, it would only make things worse. Because then I would have my competition right in front of me. And I doubt I could keep up with him.

I shake my head. What am I thinking? Competitor? It's not like we're even dating. Magnu's words touch me. He is so honest, wasn't afraid to speak openly. He says what he thinks and I admire that about him. Because I could never do that. But that's a lie. I could. In fact, I do. Every day with Copperfield. And if I'm honest with myself, I'm not honest with Magnus either. Because there's another man in my life too. Copperfield.

"Clary has my number. When you're ready, get in touch. Bye Alec," Magnus says. He gives me a kiss on the cheek, a spark explodes as his lips touch my skin, it crackles and I wish he had kissed my lips.